Budgets are for Lovers (they sure are!)

********************************************************************************************************************

********************************************************************************************************************
Scented candles, fresh flowers, satin sheets, dark Belgium chocolate, imported Beaujolais, a crusty baguette, some warm Brie with almonds, and a budget session: Does it get any better than that?

OK, so maybe it does get better than that (especially the first year), but the point is,
Budgets are a lot sexier than most newlyweds realize.

In fact, I’d go so far as to say that if more young couples discovered the joy of budgets, the divorce rate would plummet by as much as 50%. It isn’t sex or politics that sinks committed relationships, its money: misunderstandings about money, lack of money, secrecy and shame over money, recklessness with money, money emergencies and disasters, and lack of agreement over what to do with money when there actually is some, and so on and so forth.

It’s Preventable.
What is particularly sad about this fact is that it is so preventable. All you really need is (that’s right, here it comes…) a realistic budget that you work out together as early in your relationship as possible, and the willingness to revisit it as necessary. Making a budget doesn’t have to be tedious and depressing if you use it as an opportunity to talk about who you each are separately and what you each need and want; who you want to be together and how to create that; where you want to be in five, ten, even thirty years; and how to make all that happen.

Most budgets fail because people fail to be honest about their spending habits. Maybe you don’t want the woman you adore to know that you spend eight dollars a day on lunch and sometimes hit the drive-thru for a four dollar snack on top of that, every day, day after day. Maybe you don’t want the handsome construction worker you just married to know that if you don’t buy at least four pairs of $80 shoes every single season (in different hot colors) you will surely die, so you don’t mention that. Maybe neither of you is even dimly aware of what you actually spend in any given week.

Start out With The Good Stuff
But before you dive into that can of worms, start out with the good stuff: Explore some mutual goal setting. Do you want to buy a house in five years? Figure out what that will take. Does one of you need a car (or want a new one)? Write that down. Just get it all on paper at first, and talk about your dreams and aspirations without being negative or critical.

Now write out all the monthly expenses: rent or mortgage payments, utilities, groceries, entertainment, insurance, miscellaneous. Decide how you want to pay these. Some couples pool all their income into one joint account and assign the bill paying to one person once the budget is drawn up. If this works, great, but often it’s a recipe for disaster. If one or both people spend money from the account and those expenditures are not in the budget, a shortfall will result and fighting often follows.

Compromise is Key
A compromise that works for many couples is to have a household checking and savings account, and separate personal accounts (for those eight dollar lunches that you absolutely can keep having if they really matter that much to you… or the green shoes, whichever, it’s your money). If you have a special goal you are saving for, you can set up a special account for that and have the money taken directly from each of your paychecks.

Inequality in Wages
Another issue that comes up is inequality in wages. If one of you makes a lot more money than the other, you have to decide how to share expenses. Sometimes fifty/fifty is painful when one person’s entire check disappears into the monthly bills while the other person is left with wads of money to blow on toys more appropriate to single persons. If you suspect this issue might get ugly, better to have the romantic budget session while you are still dating. That way, either of you can bail (or back out gracefully) before you really get yourselves in a mess.

An Example
I once had a boyfriend who made about $70,000 a year at a time in my life when I was a graduate student and made only about $15,000 a year. I could not afford to go to the places he wanted to go to; I just didn’t make enough money for that. He proposed a budget solution. Whenever we went out to eat and the bill came, he would whip out a pocket calculator. By his calculations, $15,000 is 21% of $70,000 so if the bill was, say, $32.89 for dinner for the two of us, he would take 21% of $32.89 and ask me for my share, which in that case would have equalled $6.91. Sometimes he would spring for the tip all by himself.

You know what? I didn’t marry that guy. What a jerk! But, you know, without the beauty of budgeting how else would I have known to run away as fast as my little feet could carry me? Talking about money can be hard, it can be awkward, but it can be sexy as hell. Twenty minutes of money talk will tell you more about your beloved and the depth of your relationship than twenty months in the bedroom ever will, and isn’t that really what intimacy is all about? Learning about whom your beloved really is and what your life together will be?

So fear not. Set the mood. Put on a little Barry White. And whip out those calculators.

You’ll be so glad you did.