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35 Things NOT to do When Ordering Delivery

by J. Money on Friday, January 21, 2011

pizza hut delivery bikes
(Article today by Brandi)

The following is a list of things to consider the next time you decide to order delivery from a local restaurant (some are money related, and some are not — but all are true!):

  1. We can’t get you your food if you give us the wrong address…
  2. Porch lights work wonders. If we can’t see your house number we can’t find your house.
  3. The street address to your apartment building is great, but without an apartment number it’s pretty much null and void.
  4. You are told a total on the phone (or web) for a reason. Making us stand in the door while you write a check so your friends/children/pets can stare at us only makes us late for someone else’s delivery.
  5. As much as we love looking at naked customers, please put SOMETHING on before answering the door. It’s not like you don’t know we’re coming…
  6. Dogs — The only thing between us and your 800 pound dog is a steaming hot pizza. You want to eat, we want to live… LOCK UP YOUR PET!
  7. Greek Housing — There are 30 or more of you for one address. Giving us the house number and the name John is not going to cut it!
  8. Greek Housing — Your Greek Letters do not count as an address. We’re not Greek; we don’t know where you are.
  9. If you don’t want to pick up your food because it’s icy, expect a longer delivery time. Our cars aren’t any more special than yours. Ice = UNSAFE
  10. We appreciate the thought, but we can’t spend beer, we can’t deposit beer, we can’t pay rent in beer… in short — cash makes for a better tip.
  11. If it’s so cold outside you need to shut the door while writing the check, what makes you think we want to stand on the porch and wait for it? Come on people!
  12. No, we don’t have change for your 100 dollar bill. Would you walk around with that much cash in your pocket?
  13. We’re just drivers. We don’t control the prices. Our managers don’t control the prices. If you want to complain to someone about prices, call that guy on the TV commercial. The one with the fake tan and the BMW.
  14. We love talking to you, really, but the more time we spend with you the less money we make somewhere else.
  15. “Keep the change” is a great response if the change is about 1.50 or more. A dollar is below average. Anything less is just an insult. Telling us to keep a quarter is just ridiculous. If you’re not going to tip at least just be quiet and shut the door in our disappointed faces.
  16. Talking to about how horrible the weather is, and then not tipping, is not only an insult to us, but also makes you look really really dumb. We’re soaking wet and cold and we almost died bringing you your food… we know how bad it is outside.
  17. If you’re going to complain about gas prices, we are NOT the people to complain to… especially if you aren’t going to tip us.
  18. We understand that money is money, but have you ever carried $20 dollars worth of quarters in your pocket? Not easy.
  19. Delivery Charge IS NOT A TIP! We either don’t see the charge at all or it goes directly into mileage expenses.
  20. To the DORMS — if you can’t tip, then eat in the cafeteria. It’s already paid for.
  21. If you order food it’s generally expected that you be there until it arrives. Not a hard concept to grasp
  22. To the after the bars crowd — try passing out AFTER you pay us.
  23. If your order is wrong, there is a good chance we didn’t take your order/make your order/or have anything to do with your order. Please don’t yell at us or punish us for it.
  24. We have great memories. Especially when it comes to addresses and names.
  25. Guess what? Snow covered sidewalks and porches are hard to walk on. Many a delivery driver tailbone has been sacrificed for your food. Remember this.
  26. Don’t complain about our driving. We’re not all bad drivers. Fast maybe. Do you tip a late order? Just a thought…
  27. If you short change us, we eat the cost. Don’t complain to us if you don’t have the money. You ordered the food; we’re not paying for it.
  28. We appreciate your attempt to save our souls, but religious solicitation doesn’t count as a tip. Slip us a few dollars and then we’ll talk church.
  29. Write the check for the right establishment. Know where you’re ordering from!!
  30. Placing a flashing/vibrating dildo on top of the pizza box while you get the money while hosting a ‘sex party’ is slightly awkward…
  31. No we don’t want to “join you”, we don’t want to “earn our tip” and we don’t want to give you our number. We want your money. End of story. Take a cold shower and get a life.
  32. We appreciate the fact that a lot of college students are poor. Guess what? We’re college students…we’re poor!
  33. When the door bell rings please answer it in a timely manner. ESPECIALLY if you’ve ordered a couple of things. There’s nothing harder than standing in the cold/rain/wind etc with a few pizzas and a 2 liter.
  34. Yeah, we sing in the car…get over it and quit gawking at the crazy girl with the sign on her car.
  35. BE NICE. We’re people. Not dogs. If you had a bad day don’t make us share in it with you.

DON’T MESS WITH PEOPLE THAT MAKE YOUR FOOD!!!! It’s that simple…

———
Elegantly put by fellow blogger, Brandi ;)

(Photo by Kojach)


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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Steph January 21, 2011 at 7:48 am

I half considered the delivery job, but Mr. Steph said “No” to a delivery sign on top of his (or mine, we have 2) Mustang!

I didn’t realize delivery people fantasies were so… well, common

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2 Molly On Money January 21, 2011 at 8:29 am

My ex-husband was a delivery guy. Reading this was like a throw back to his rant at the end of an evening. I think most people just don’t get it unless you spell it out for them…..thanks for spelling it out!

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3 Jen January 21, 2011 at 9:25 am

Brandi- this is awesome! I have never been a delivery driver (not big on ordering either, I’d rather enjoy the food hot at the restaurant) but I have worked in a few restaurants. People that have never been in food service are so clueless. Some of these made me laugh because they were so stupid but I know you’ve probably seen it all and have the 23 cent tips to show for it!

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4 Steve January 21, 2011 at 10:29 am

My dad had a delivery driver job when we were kids, and he has plenty of horror stories ( including being robbed…fun! :/ ). I have thought about it once or twice as a nice part time gig for some extra bucks, but I don’t know if I’d have the patience to deal with people like that :P

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5 Jennifer Lissette January 21, 2011 at 12:19 pm

People really tip under a dollar? I usually tip a minimum of four bucks and the pizza place I order from is only three blocks away!

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6 Jenna January 21, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Loved this one: We appreciate the fact that a lot of college students are poor. Guess what? We’re college students…we’re poor!

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7 LB January 21, 2011 at 1:31 pm

I have delivered pizza, subs and newspapers and most people either do not tip or tip poorly. I don’t think people understand that most of the delivery persons money, goes towards their vehicle. If you don’t like delivery charges then either purchase from a different place or go get the food yourself. I usually go and get my own pizza now, but if I do get delivery I definitely tip well.

Same goes for waitresses/waiters. I had friends who got by with those jobs so I usually tip very well.

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8 Fontaine January 21, 2011 at 10:11 pm

This was kind of a lame post.
I can see tipping delivery drivers well since they bring your food in all kinds of weather..however, majority of the time it just isn’t hot and the quality i s much lower. That’s a given if it’s delivery, and it’s the trade-off you make for being lazy.
But what’s the deal with restaurant and bar tips and 20% becoming the standard?? I come from the restaurant business (ownership) and I can tell you that it is absolutely unnecessary to have to tip that much for standard service. If you have a big party, you’re already paying for the hard word the server puts in, but if you have 2 or 3 people, then they just aren’t working that hard for your table. Not for 20% of your bill. Most will disagree, but we have become a nation of tippers..everywhere you go in Hawaii there are tip jars..for doing NOTHING extra for you..just being a cashier at a convenient store. It’s all so silly.

But back to the list above..it’s kind of lame. More of a rant for drivers…when, to be honest, I haven’t had a good (i.e. fast) deliver driver in years.

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9 Jaime January 22, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Good post. But what about some nicer posts like when a customer is nice or when a CSR is nice, its like websites like to focus on the wrong things about customer service. I hate that. Its why I quit reading the consumerist, its all this negativity. Nobody wants to talk about how some clerk helped them, or how a waiter gave them a discount or an extra muffin or whatever.

I work in CSR, I’m a college student, I know its hard to work in the service industry but what about some positive things about the customer service-y industry. Not all my customers are jerks, in fact, many of them are quite sweet. Yeah I do have some psychos now and then but not often.

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10 Brandi January 23, 2011 at 10:53 pm

To Fontaine, that is a fair question. I feel compelled to remind you though that restaurant servers generally don’t make the standard minimum wage. Most of my friends who served through college made about $2.50/hr. So either the government standard needs to change where servers are concerned or customers should remember that you are paying that little extra so that you don’t have to serve yourself. No worrying about prep, no groceries, no dishes. It’s the convenience mostly. I don’t believe in tipping for poor or below average service. But tipping is a way of showing the server you appreciate the fact that they are doing you a service.

To Jaime, most people do tend to focus on the negative. It seems to be easier to do so. After 6 years of delivering pizzas in Kansas however, I can tell you there are very few “outstanding customers” or even really nice people. Delivery driving is much different than serving in a restaurant though, because you are on the customer’s terf, not your own. In my 6 years there i got hit on more often than I got tipped even $.50, I was yelled at by tons of older customers who thought that my generation didn’t deserve to be paid well, and fell on more iced over sidewalks than I even care to remember. While the customer waited at the door for me to get up off the ground and bring them their food.

I may be a tad jaded, but that’s why I’m not in the delivery business anymore :) It did put me through college and now I get to work as an engineer instead!

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11 TJ January 23, 2011 at 11:50 pm

In CA, it’s illegal to pay less than minimum wage. They still expect 20%. And they get it from me.

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12 Catherine January 24, 2011 at 3:08 am

I found this really interesting (and a bit funny :D) to read.

It makes me want to be sympathetic to delivery drivers… but the ones here just seem incredibly stupid! Supplying the full address, even which flat buzzer to press, doesn’t seem to mean they can find us and they always phone. Tragic.

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13 Mmm January 25, 2011 at 10:27 am

I like all of these, but have to gently quibble with #34. Everyone who sings in the car gets gawked at, not just delivery drivers! :-) Thanks for the funny list.

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14 Thomas Sanders January 25, 2011 at 3:39 pm

I use to work in fast food, and I still work in customer service. Here’s the simple fact, I’m sorry you don’t get paid as much as you should for the work you do, but a tip is to show appreciation and while it is considered custom, it is not mandated. Now I always try to tip, but as #32 says, I’m a broke college student. I always have enough for the bill before I order, but the tip is expendable.

Also porch lights work wonders, but so does google maps.

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15 Wa January 25, 2011 at 3:53 pm

When getting pizza delivered, I’ll do all of the above.

But, drivers do your part and find my house without getting lost.

If you don’t know my neighborhood as well as your own, use a friggin gps.

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16 Luke January 25, 2011 at 5:08 pm

It would be helpful to understand what type of money a delivery driver does make. For instance, are they paid a wage plus mileage and tips? Or do they depend on tips in order to make their basic wage, or they’re footing gas/mileage costs themselves?

Without knowing this, the author comes across as being all about “the tip”, even though he/she has decided to largely deride the very people who can give these tips — people who order pizza.

The author ends with the warning, “DON’T MESS WITH PEOPLE THAT MAKE YOUR FOOD!!!!” — why does the author choose to implicitly endorse food service workers “messing with” food that will be served/delivered to customers? This doesn’t seem like a wise attitude to have if, in fact, one is trying to earn tips.

Let’s please remember that tips are there to reward prompt service. Not an entitlement for those that choose this job over others.

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17 El Smoohy January 25, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Having worked many service jobs in many different fields, it’s like this: either you tip servers, cabbies and delivery people well or you are a miserable worthless cheapskate who should stay home and do your own cooking. Spare us your pathetic excuses, character shortcomings and religious tracts. Either you tip or you suck.

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18 MM January 25, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Read some of the stories for a better look behind the scenes of the delivery life.
http://tipthepizzaguy.com/
Funny, sad, and scary!

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19 20 and Engaged January 25, 2011 at 11:20 pm

I commend delivery people for the job they do. I know it’s not easy at all!

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20 Ethel January 26, 2011 at 12:17 am

No, i’m not letting a stranger into my house just because it’s cold out. Don’t want to wait outside, eliminte the concept and actuality of rape, robbery, and assault now and for all time. Can’t do that? Then face reality.

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21 Eric January 26, 2011 at 11:11 am

Ethel: Nobody said anything about letting a stranger into your house. Just have the check already made out when the delivery guy gets there, you nincompoop.

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22 J. Money January 31, 2011 at 10:10 am

Thx again for guest posting Brandi – this post took off all over last week! (Consumerist, Fark – it was awesome). Here’s to a great week :)

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23 Ryan February 2, 2011 at 2:12 pm

I think the restaurant minimum wage varies by state. I think most are below the minimum, but I know Hawaii state law requires severs make at least national minimum, which makes it appealing to become a server in Hawaii versus other states.

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24 s i x o 1 4 March 8, 2011 at 5:51 pm

LOL you guys are the ones who signed up for the job stop complaining.. now all i want to do is talk about how bad the gas prices are and give you $10 in quarters for a tip!

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25 mark January 17, 2012 at 3:01 pm

1. tell your employer to pay you a decent wage.
2. its not our job to supplement your income because your employer is cheap.
3. we don’t tip the mailman, the UPS driver, the plumber, the handyman… all delivery
products and services we order to our door.
4. don’t squeeze your pimples at the door while we get our money ready.
5. if you know you’re delivering a cold pizza, own up to it. Let’s talk about it.
6. having a pizza delivery job doesn’t entitle you to drive restlessly and endanger others.
7. not carrying enough change is your fault, not ours.

(if the truth be told, I actually DO tip the pizza guy)

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26 J. Money January 19, 2012 at 3:18 pm

haha, all good things to think about ;)

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27 Rosalynn February 2, 2012 at 11:59 am

omg thanks so much for putting this up im a driver and frankly alot of these things have happened to me and its really annoying lol. Amen to you lol.

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28 J. Money February 4, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Good luck!

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29 Anup Ojha December 10, 2012 at 1:01 pm

I am a delivery guy. i am a student and i am poor. All of the above sentences are so true. I hate some bastards who order pizza

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30 J. Money December 12, 2012 at 8:51 pm

haha, I bet ;) good for you on hustling though and bringing home that money! remember it’s all temporary and in a few years you’ll be rockin’ it a lot easier with even more money to show for it :)

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31 Dillon Sullivant November 9, 2013 at 5:04 pm

Yes thank you im a delivery driver this just hit the pin on the head
More people need to read this

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32 J. Money November 10, 2013 at 11:58 am

Glad you agree :)

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33 Anon May 22, 2014 at 7:08 pm

Basically what you are saying is “I don’t like my job” “I don’t care about you” “Give me lots of money asshole”. Maybe you should read 13 again OP. If you don’t like your salary talk to the guy in the BMW, not to the customers. It’s not their fault you get bad wages.
34. If you sing or make any kind of noise outside, people will look. Get over it. Does people looking at you bother you that much? Stay inside if it does.

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