So yeah, don’t even know where to start on this one :) Don’t have any kids of my own yet, and haven’t a clue about child support and how exactly all that stuff works out. All I know is it makes me sad. Mainly for the kids, but also for their wallets. 60% is a LOT of money! Man…
I’m hoping some of you can chime in and share some of your thoughts? Maybe you’re experiencing something similar and/or have advice on how to improve their situation? I know our reader would REALLY really appreciate it, and I think it’ll help the others out there going through the same thing that may be too afraid to ask. Here’s the situation:
My husband and I have been happily for married for 3 years. I’m his second wife and he’s got two children from a previous marriage. She lives 9 hours away so we get the children on long breaks, summers, etc.
I don’t plan to have any kids of my own… reason #1 being we can’t afford them!
The custodial parent, ex-wife, gets 60% of his net income for two children. Two whole pay checks plus part of another go straight to her! Every time there’s a change in circumstance, (oldest takes piano lessons, youngest enrolls in ballet), we go back to court, pay more legal fees and ultimately, the CS order is increased. He knows the children are his financial responsibility too… but good God! He’s gotta eat! I don’t know how he’d survive financially if he wasn’t married.
He and his ex-wife both bring home about $3000 per month. Only, we’re only able to see about $1000+/- of his money after witholdings and CS. He could get a second job… but ultimately, he’d just pay out more and they payoff to us wouldn’t be worth the time away from home?
I knew when I married him I’d be taking a financial hit, and I have. I still manage to save for retirement, not incur debt and keep a little cash tucked away but we definitely don’t live the lifestyle we would otherwise be able to afford. My poor husband can’t afford to put anything away for retirement. We don’t have excessive debts, just a car payment and two student loans. We don’t have any credit cards. We don’t own our home. We don’t shop excessively. We don’t eat out. You can imagine the resentment I feel for working my butt off to pay for someone else’s kids. But, what we do for love, right?
My husband and I both have good jobs with good benefits. I’m sure there’s lot of families out there in this situation.
What’s your advice on coping with ever increasing child support payments? Do you put off saving and then “double up” the saving once the kids are grown? I’m able to put some of my check away into our retirement… but what about my husband? Does he have to put his financial planning on hold for the next 13 years? Do you think it’s “unethical” to make a minimal cash income on the side and not report it? **I think I do **
Whatcha got for her, friends? Let’s try and get them on a good game plan :) I’m drawing a blank… except for that last one, I don’t mess around w/ that non reporting stuff. Too afraid of getting in trouble!
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{ 114 comments… read them below or add one }
Divorce (on paper) the second wife. The seconds wife’s income is counting towards what the judge sees as “his” income. Without that second income, the judge might be willing to drop the amount being paid.
My husband also has a daughter from a previous relationship. We are lucky that he doesn’t have to pay 60%, however I know many that do. Some, as you said, are unmarried and have had to move back in with their parents at 40+ years old because they could no longer afford to support themselves with what is left.
I’m going to have to agree with J. in not messing around with “under the table” earnings. If the custodial parent is taking you back to court as often as you say, you are going to be in big trouble if she catches wind of unreported income. You may owe back CS, taxes, fines, etc. That’s even riskier to your situation than where you are now.
This is part of the life that you chose. That sounds harsh, but it’s true. Having resentment towards the situation won’t solve any of your problems. Have you considered picking up a second job? Your income isn’t figured into the equation. I have a good feeling that isn’t what you want to do with your current feelings, but it may be necessary if you want a more financially stable life for yourself and your husband.
Oops. The first commenter must have posted at the same time. Perhaps the spousal income varies by state. We have never had to turn over my income for consideration. They only consider my husband’s.
60% of his income may seem high, but the court is also looking at all his assets, and that includes his new wife’s income, as it is a marital asset. This is where she should have done her financial planning before she married him. She needs to maintain her assets as separate property from the marriage. This means no joint bank accounts, no joint credit cards or loans. Nothing owned jointly. I would suggest she meet with a lawyer to figure out how to unentangle her assets from his. Then draw up a post-nup that clearly separates their finances. Once the only assets he has are his solely, then he can go back to court and request they re-evaluate his situation. Although if the wife is receiving spousal support, he may not see a lot of change, child support is normally around 25% of his income, with spousal support on top and can easily reach 50% of his income.
Tea, your post is very informative, however if they remain married (even with separate accounts) it has been documented that the income is there and available. The judge might view this as “hiding” the income and come down even harder at the next hearing. It’s always been suggested to me that you file for divorce (again, on paper) and “rent” from your new ex-wife. A judge who has a heart will not enforce those payments as some states have a clause about “financial hardships”. Either way, this is a good lesson; ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS sign a prenup. In that prenup you need to stipulate n% for each child and 0% (ZERO) for spousal support. I’ve seen bitter ex-wives living off their ex-husbands support for decades while not even lifting a finger to look for a job. “It’s what I am accustomed to, so therefore he has to pay for it”, meanwhile the ex-husband is living in a trailer park.
As a woman going through a difficult custody battle and not seeing a dime of child support in the meantime (even though I am under-employed for the sole purpose of caring for the children), I am going advise the following.
1. Let go of your resentment. It’s not hurting anybody but yourself.
2. Make a budget and stick to it.
3. When the child support payments increase, re-do the budget.
You husband made a commitment to his first wife and an even bigger commitment when they had children. He is obligated to care for them. End of story. Like you said, you knew this when you married him. You might not be able to have everything you want right now, but the most important thing is to make a budget according to how you ARE able to live. There’s no point in fantasizing about “if only he didn’t have to pay child support we could live a much better lifestyle” because what you are really saying is “if only he didn’t have kids.”
I’m sorry to sound harsh, but I think you’ll be much more successful in dealing with your situation if you accept its reality and stop looking for ways around it.
I am FLAT BROKE, but it is what it is. I stick to my budget and I don’t complain.
pre-nup man, most states have predetermined figures for the courts to use for child support, so an pre-nup that is less than that is likely to be thrown out. Also zero for spousal support won’t fly if you asked your wife to stay home, be a homemaker, and care for the children full time. She will be given, and be entitled to support while she reestablishes her ability to support herself. If you accustomed your wife to a certain lifestyle, you are likely to find divorce will not eliminate your responsibility to provide that lifestyle. The longer the marriage, the longer she will be allowed to maintain that lifestyle. As for a divorce on paper, there is no such thing, they are either married or divorced, if she wishes to remain married, and not just live with her husband, then separating her assets is the best she can do at this point. It also might make it easier for her to accept his responsibilities if she remembers that the ex-wife is only getting the spousal support, the child support portion, while the check may be made out to her, is for the children, and must spent on their care. Marriage is a partnership, and involves legal complications for both parties, it is best to do your financial planning prior to the wedding. I am a big fan of pre-nups, I think a woman is more likely to get a good deal when negotiating with a man who loves her, and she can learn a lot about his character in the negotiating process.
Tea, all great points. Just to clarify, divorce on paper just means to go through the divorce, but still live together, etc. Just a forced separation of assets in the governments eyes. Like you, I’m a big fan of prenups (in case you couldn’t tell by my handle)
“I knew when I married him I’d be taking a financial hit, and I have.”
His children didn’t appear out of nowhere. You KNEW what you were getting in to. You made an adult decision to marry someone with previous financial obligations. Period. They are his CHILDREN – not some ridiculous time-share or a sports car he is paying for.
The upside is, it isn’t forever. The court ordered financial obligation has a stop date. Suck it up and plan for that future. There are cash job opportunities out there that can offset this financially lean time in your life. Babysitting (though you don’t sound like much of a fan of children) or something like picking up lawn mowing jobs. Get a roommate if you have extra space. Things of that nature can help a person survive. I know, I’ve been on BOTH sides of the fence. I am a single mother and always worked two jobs. Sometimes three. I’ve had to have roommmates as well. You just have to accept what is and deal with it.
Besides, how much respect could you have for the man you married if he were a deadbeat dad?
Just a quick update to all, I’m the reader. My husband does not pay spousal support and my income nor the ex’s new husband’s income is considered in our state. It is based on the income of both parents only. The ex-wife works too.
If our incomes were included, my husband and I would be in a better predicament. Her new husband’s income is 3x that of my husband’s.
Angie, You’re right about the second job – My thoughts exactly! I work about 55 hours per week for a property management company and I wait tables 1 night per week. I don’t think I can do much more! ;)
I would go back to court and get a modification of the order, it seems too high. I work for the State of FL in Child Support Enforcement and the highest judgement in ANY case can only be 55% of the non custodial parents (NCP) income only – and thats if there are multiple custodial parents and families taking from the NCP income. Usually for one family the max is about 35% of income. It would help if he could change ownership of any large assets out of his name so he could bring down his net worth too.
Starla, Yes, you’re correct that I knew the financial obligations. I admired the fact that he isn’t a deadbeat dad and loves his children. But he needs to be able to maintain a household as well. The children have a home with us too.
I think you may have misinterpreted my intention somewhere along the lines. I love his children and look forward to their visits. I have a very close relationship with my stepchildren. In fact, the ex-wife and I get along fine as well.
If it weren’t for our financial obligation to his children, I would consider having one of my own. It wouldn’t be fair to my child at this point in time. I’m only 26, I’ve got plenty of time to reconsider all of that.
I know that I’ve got to grin and bear it for the next 15 years. I was just curious as to how others cope with their situations and save for the future.
I’m a family law lawyer in my state, and there’s a few things that can be done- 1) have your husband ask for a support modification. It can be reduced based on the needs of the parents and the child, reduced because a child is no longer in daycare, etc. The purpose of child support is to keep the lives of the children as financially equal as possible between the two households. 2) The only time 60% is taken out of someone’s income is when there is back support owed. Have your husband get caught up on any back amounts and then ask for the modification again. Or, if he can’t pay the back support, have him ask the court for a payment plan. 3) Most states adopted a new “cap” on support amounts being taken out (to 50%).See if that’s true in your state and (guess what) ask for a modification. 4) Look over your state’s child support formula. Every state is required to have one. The formula will define what is and what is not income. For example, in my state, only the parent’s income is considered for support– not the new spouse’s income. 5) See what the spousal support amount is in comparison to the child support amount- I bet he’s paying WAY more in spousal support than in child support. See what her “income” was set at, and ask for an adjustment. Has she gone to school/made herself more marketable? Can she work a job at minimum wage but is choosing not to (the court can impute an income for her)? 6) Steer clear of under the table earnings like J. says- it can only lead to an increase in the support amount AND possible jail time (you’re lying on court documents- that’s perjury/ hiding assets. That’s a contemptable charge, looking at a fine and/or jail time. 7) Every state has forms that a court participant can complete, asking for a waiver of fees. If he has to pay court fees every time he goes to court (which is odd in itself- usually only the person bringing the motion has to pay), he can ask that the fee be waived. 8) He needs to keep in perspective that the money is for his KIDS. He’s helping to make their lives better (ballet lessons, piano, etc). It shouldn’t come as a surprise that kids are expensive. The Wall Street Journal estimated in 2008 that it would cost $222,360 to raise ONE child born that year, up through the child’s age of majority. Putting your husband’s support amount into perspective… I’m sure he’s not even paying *half* that amount.
And, prenups can be invalidated if the court sees that the support amounts you agreed upon for the children is unfair. If the prenup was signed 6 years prior to the dissolution of the marriage, and the circumstances of the parties have changed, the court can easily change the support amount. Prenups are used more for property and financial splitting- not for setting child support amounts.
My husband is not in arrears and has never been. Keep in mind, it’s 60% of his take home pay… not his gross. All incomes for both parties are current – we just revisited child support last month. It’s the “extraordinary expenses” that are making the amount so great. If all of the “expenses” weren’t calculated in there.. the support would be about 35%.
If the two of them were still married, they wouldn’t be able to afford all of those expenses! It suprises me that the court considered so many things an “extraoridinary expense”
Can I just say I don’t think divorcing, even on paper, is a good idea. It puts other rights and privileges at risk, like hospital visitation and medical decisions should something happen, inheritance if there is no will, and other things. Is losing out on those, something that I would consider to be invaluable (such as seeing your spouse in the hospital) worth a “paper” divorce? Because once you’re divorced on paper, you lose the rights that come with that piece of paper to.
Yes, if they were still married they could not afford those expenses. But they are not still married. There are now 4 adults who can help pay for their expenses. His children are benefiting from that situation. It is his children who are benefiting, not his ex-wife. I would suggest trying to build a better relationship with his ex-wife, so that you can decide together what activities you can and cannot afford to provide. If you can decide together, you can avoid lawyers and court fees. Also, keep in mind that when child support ends, is obligation to his children does not. there will most likely be college and other expenses. So keep that in mind for your long term financial planning.
I know nothing about the court system or anything, so I can’t provide advice. Sounds like you need a better lawyer, a nicer judge, and a less vengeful ex wife
I married a man who had three children (I have none by choice). At the beginning, he was bringing home about $1900 a month and $900 a month went to child support. Out of the $1,000 left, he had to pay car ins., gas, food, rent, a loan repayment to friends (500), basically, everything. The ony reason his expenses for living were so low was because I had a very small condo. Otherwise, he would have had to move in with this mom, as $1,000 a month wouldn’t have been able to support him. It got easier as the kids aged out of child support (2005, 2007 and 2009) and now we are in catching up mode with saving, retirement, etc.
I knew full well what I was doing at the time but the funny thing is that I thought it would be OVER when they were 18!! The joke was definitely on me. I reasoned that ok, I had to suck it up all those years doing without part of his paycheck, now I wanted the whole thing for our joint goals. Well, we had to figure out a way he could help his now older kids without me getting my panties in a wad. (A generous weekly allowance did the trick – he gives part of his to his two college age kids – I save mine for travel – a cruise in June with my sister and a trip to Germany to see friends in October). I’m happy with that arrangement but it’s weird to see that his “personal” account has like $300 in it and mine has about $2,000. Everyone knows that kids are expensive and really, it never ends. Even when they are adults.
I hardly think expecting a father to take financial care of his children is “vengeful.” And I really hope this resentment over money from their stepmom isn’t hurting these kids.
No kids or ex-spouse, but these are my random thoughts for what they’re worth.
1. His income makes a difference. I would think the judge is basing the amount on the children’s requirements, not so much the father’s income. So logically, if he increases his income, then he should be able to keep more money. 60% of $1000/month is $600. $600 from $2000 a month would only be 30%.
2. The child support payments are not tax deductible and the mother most likely gets to claim them for tax purposes. Hopefully the agreement takes this into account.
3. Hopefully the agreement only covers support through high school and age 18. If college support is required, I think I might turn into a dead-beat dad after they graduated from HS. JMHO.
Robert,
The support amount is based on an income shares model. For EXAMPLE, Mother makes $3000, father makes $3000. (Before tax deductions) Combined income is $6000. Court documents say 2 children at $6000 cost $2500. There’s a chart for this.
Husband’s income is 50% of $6000 so he pays 50% of the $2500. He pays $1,250. Add 50/50 split on cost of medical insurance, ballet lessons, tap lessons, art lessons, day care, etc — you’re looking at $1800/mo. These are considered “Extraordinary expenses” and are in addition to the monthly child support. This leave father with $1200 BEFORE taxes and health insurance deductions. I think if incomes were calculated on post-tax numbers, things would be easier all around.
If he increases his income, the combined income increases which increases the total child care cost. His percentage of the total increases and increases the support. He wouldn’t see much of an increase in what HE actually sees unless he were to get a HUGE pay raise.
Child support is non-taxable income for the custodial parent. The non-custodial parent has already paid the taxes. The custodial parent, more often than not, gets all tax benefits that come with having children. I don’t know much about those except that they are substantial benefits.
But, the purpose of my questions was to see how others are coping with this and planning for their futures – not to take jabs at the ex-wife or complain about my husband having to support his children. I’m honored to be their step-mother and will do whatever it takes to be sure they are taken care of. They are my family. When I married my husband, they were the best wedding gift I received! I hate that we can’t afford to provide all the extras for them when they are with us like they are able to receive when they are with their mother! They can’t understand that my husband does provide for them financially. They just see that dad has a tiny apartment and we never get to do anything fun like with mom. No fun. It breaks my heart to see my husband struggle with this.
Support does end after high school. Of course, we’ll help with college expenses, etc. But payments to the ex end when child is out of HS.
This is a GREAT discussion guys! Scares the crap out of me, but hopefully it’s helping :) Freakin’ love blogging!
Amy,
Do you think that you and your husband will be able to “catch up” after all of those years? Are you seeing light at the end of the tunnel?
Thanks for the reminder about it never ending, even when they’re adults (College, etc.). It’s definitely something to ponder. Maybe it’s worth ME setting some of MY money aside for that now to avoid financial problems after the CS ends so that we’ll be able to play catch up!
Prenups rarely apply to custody/child-support issues. Any kid-related clause will easily get tossed in court. It’s all judge’s discretion.
That said, get a better attorney. 60% is too much. I would be willing to bet around half is alimony, which is crap in my book. Unless the supported spouse was unemployed during the vast majority of the marriage, she can go back to work like everyone else.
I haven’t read all the comments, so I may or may not be duplicating what’s been said already but first of all…
ODDS are, the current wife’s income is NOT being taken into consideration. Mine never has been. (This can and does vary by state) This also means that odds are that the ex-wife’s new spouse (if she has one, his income isn’t being taken into consideration either).
60% IS a lot – and it can vary by state. In MI, I believe the limit is 50% – a noncustodial parent has GOT to live on something.
I would look up the state’s support guidelines. I find it pretty interesting that the custodial parent is able to go back to court for extra funds for extra-curriculars. The fact of the matter is – child support is for the care of the child. It is to ensure the kiddos’ needs are being met – food, clothing, shelter, the basics.
The extras? They’re just that. Extras. And IMO, they should not be dictated by the court. If you want your kid to play t-ball (random example), I think that is between the parents (and frankly, am surprised that the judge/referee/caseworker of this system isn’t frustrated by the constant appearances for more money… In MI, unless there’s a drastic change of circumstances – parent loses their job, parent starts making a lot more $, etc… – there’s a limit to just how often yo ucan ask for a modification).
We have actually stopped using any legal representation for child support stuff (thus eliminating legal fees and resentment) when it comes to most routine c/s matters re: my stepson because frankly, spending more money to lose more money just amps up the resentment (And honestly, giving a chunk of your income away each week can cause resentment enough on its own even when you know it’s really for the child).
Most states – yeah, that’s generic – have a table set up that shows mom’s income and dad’s income and what the support should be for those numbers.
I don’t advise going into arrears, though. If the support decree doesn’t already state it, I’d have your husband ask if he can claim his children on his taxes – if not every year than alternating years. No, it doesn’t fix everything, but it does help the financial burden on those years.
I would limit the extracurriculars though – i find it hard to believe he is LEGALLY obligated to contribute to those activities. Have each child pick an activity and contribute to those things if you CHOOSE to help (if it’s not legally required) – keeping a roof over your own head and feeling financially secure has to take precedence over those activities… even if it’s a bummer for the kids.
prenups are a legal binding document between the two parties; just as a contract is. IF it is written in a way that has no “wiggle room” and everything is stipulated, by law, the judge cannot throw it out. He has no grounds to void a legal document that the two parties agreed upon. Just ask any union rep.
From the numbers you put forward, it would appear that the child support is going to support his children. The payments are to the children, not the ex-wife. Her name may be on the check because she manages the children’s expenses, but they are payments to the children. Yes, you will stop mailing the check to his wife when they are 18, but you will probably still be paying for their health insurance. Day Care and dance lessons will be replaced with tuition and car insurance. And once you finish those expenses, there will be weddings, then grandchildren. I think for long term financial planning, I would count on 60% of his income going to his kids for the rest of his life. If it turns out they need less, then great you will have extra money. As for your living situation, I think honesty is best with kids. It doesn’t hurt for them to know you make less than their step father does, so no you can’t afford the kind of home they have. But there are plenty of fun things to do that don’t cost money. And the best gift you could give those kids is to teach them that life can be good without spending a lot of money.
Thank you for the suggestion, Tea.
The only part of CS that I have a problem with is that my husband doesn’t have a say in what “extras” HE can afford. Just because she and her new husband can afford to pay it, doesn’t me that we can? But this a flaw in the court system and not really a “financial” question.
I hope everyone understands I’m not angry about my husband supporting his children, I’m not angry that the check goes to his ex-wife and I’m not looking for loopholes to get out of paying! I just wanted advice from others who are coping with this.
If you guys can’t afford the extras, you need to talk to his ex about finding a cheaper daycare, cutting down on the extracurriculars, etc. I think that communication is the answer here.
Any chance you can change the custody of the children? Based on the formula you proposed above, if they lived with you, the ex-wife would send you the check each month. If you were able to do even half time, would that make a difference?
We’d love to have them half the time. The ex wife moved out of the state with her new husband and lives 9 hours away so it’s not feasible. They moved to a very rural part of the country so moving there would be very difficult as far as finding employment. Plus, we can’t follow them around the country. They’ve moved a few times to different states.
Crankymommy,
I agree with you and have begged for that! If only it were that simple between the two of them! They can’t even stand in a room together. It’s tough on the kids I’m sure and it’s a shame but out of my control.
If it’s 60% of take-home income, is it possible for him to do some pre-tax retirement plans, that take out the money before taxes? That way you could save without that money being garnished.
If it were me, I’d probably be doing some cash work on the side to supplement my income. My husband’s daughter is in California, which has a 50% cap.
I am confused when people say the parents have to take care of their children after 18 y/o (tuition, car insurance, grandkids, etc). I know plenty of people (myself included) who were pretty much “kicked out” of the house at 18 and had to pay for their own college, rent, car, expenses, trips to Europe, etc. Are divorced parents not allowed to “kick out” their kids at 18? And what about the grandchildren? I think grandparents don’t “have to” help pay for those, only for the things they “want” to pay, whatever those might be (toys, lessons, whatever).
Not that I have a bad relationship with my parents, we are great! I think they taught me a lot about growing up and taking care of myself by doing this. And if I am in a tight spot, they help out but I’m still on my own to make ends meet, isn’t that what being an adult is about?
J.O. I was not suggesting that you don’t love his kids, I just think you will be a lot happier if you think of the money going to his kids. It may seem unfair that his kids are taking 60% of his income. But if you make your financial decisions based on that continuing, you won’t find yourself in a situation you can’t handle. If you decide to have a child or buy home, only 40% income may be all he will ever be able to give you. Hopefully at some point it will be more, but you don’t want to make life changing decisions on money you may never have.
Honestly, I think that the two of you should consider moving closer to the ex-wife and kids. If he was taking them every weekend AND long vacations AND summers, not only would the child support probably decrease, but he’d be a better father.
If either of you are unwilling to make that move, than I think you should suck it up and deal with not having the money. The time sacrifice you make for his children is only two months out of the year. You can spend that extra time that would be spent helping with homework, settling sibling disputes, driving to lessons, providing guidance, enforcing discipline, etc, finding ways to be more frugal with your money.
I am a stepmom myself, so I understand how it feels to be pulled in two different directions. On one hand you want the best life for that kid because you love them and want them to be happy and well-cared for. On the other hand you don’t want to be destitute yourself, working like crazy to be broke. It’s tough to feel both those things at once. You mentioned that you aren’t interested in having a child of your own right now, with a good part of that decision being based on not being able to afford it. Keep in mind that if you and your husband have a child, that child then becomes part of the equation and you can request a modification based on the fact that he now has three children to support. Because he is just as responsible for providing for that third child, the amount of support going for the other two should be reduced accordingly to allow adequate resources for the third. At least that’s how it is in my state. Your should be able to get a better idea with some research (in my state, the formuals and everything are readily available online and this concept is called a Qualified Additional Dependent). If you still don’t want to have a child that’s fine, just don’t make that decision for the wrong reasons or you may end up regretting it.
As for budgeting, I recommend you completely forget what he “makes” on paper and plany using only that leftover amount coming in. Combine that with yours and then decide how much should be going into retirement accounts (for both of you, because if you are planning to stay together your fates will be intertwined even into retirement), how much you can afford for rent, etc. You may find that your lifestyle is more expensive than you can actually afford which means trading down where you live or selling off the car with a payment and buying an older car for cash…basic frugality and debt-snowball type stuff.
Finally, I would recommend that you reconsider moving closer to the kids (therefore getting more time with them and paying less support money). While the salaries are smaller in a rural area, so is the cost of living so it may not be that much of a net change. As a child of divorced parents I can tell you that face time with the noncustodial parent is so important to the parent-child relationship. You are all missing out on some great stuff by being so far away. If you move there and then the ex picks up to leave you may be able to get the court to give you primary custody since you could provide a more stable home and you made the effort to be close. This depends on the laws of the state and sounds a lot easier than it is, but it’s a possibility.
Anyhow, wishing you the best of luck. It sounds like you are making the best of a challenging situation and just looking for ways to make things better for everyone.
As a single mom who has my child roughly 85% of the time and does not regularly receive child support, this is probably going to sound strange coming from me, but I can understand your frustration. I of course want my child to have the best of everything, but that’s just it. I want him to have it, but it’s not a necessity. He will be completely fine if he only plays one sport and not three. He does not have to attend every extracurricular activity that is thrown his way. Personally, I think children involved in too much are stretched way too thin. Sometimes they just need to be kids and have fun. Anyway, my point is to check into your state’s laws. Not all states take extraordinary expenses into account when calculating child support. I know mine doesn’t. It does consider things like daycare costs, but not discretionary extracurricular activities such as dancing lessons or sports lessons. My best suggestion is to find a really good family law attorney. It may cost you more upfront, but the money you may possibly be able to save in the long run could be worth it. And I do not think that this in any way diminishes your or your husband’s love for the children. Of course you want what’s best for them. But you also have to survive and should not have to struggle because of “extraordinary” items that the ex can afford but you can’t.
I agree with you, Tea.
Jennifer,
My husband is the best father that he is able to be. As I stated before, the new wife’s husband moves frequently with his job from state to state. He works in the oil business. We are unable to follow them around the country. Their current home is in a very rural part of the country, there’s no way we can afford to quit jobs, job search in a difficult market (esp in that area!) and not get behind with CS and other bills just to have to move again in a year or two. Impossible. We get the children one weekend a month, long vacations and the summer.
Confused Reader -
Whether or not a divorced parent can “kick out” an 18 year old child might depend on the agreement made when the divorced and child support were finalized. In my case, my divorced parents were each obligated to pay 1/3 the cost of tuition at an in-state university. So 1/3 from Mom, 1/3 from Dad, and then I was responsible for the last 1/3. If I had decided to go to a private, more expensive college then I would have also been responsible for the additional tuition costs. Some child support arrangements specify that support continues until the child reaches the age of majority (18), then some other financial support kicks in for a few years provided the child is enrolled at a qualified educational institution.
I’m curious about the extraordinary expenses.. correct me if I’m wrong, but it looks like almost $600 a month is just for extras like lessons and sports, etc? It just seems excessive to me. We just finished paying child support last summer and hubby and I have two children and there is no way any “extras” have ever cost us that much, even when paying child support.
I guess it depends on what the judgement states and what state you are living (actually the child lives)?
I’m completely in agreement that the children shouldn’t suffer, but niether should the noncustodial parent.
That is very sad. I don’t think there should be child support laws at all. Parents should support their children. I don’t have any advice, because I don’t know a good solution, but it’s an option to seek full custody. The custodial parent is the one actually supporting the children; child support payments have little to do with the child. It’s a punishment payment levied on the non-custodial parent using the child as a weapon of extortion. If there’s a way to keep the law out of the situation, that is the only way there can be any winners. Children cannot win when their very existence makes a living hell out of the life of a parent, and it makes love – which is what everything good is all about – secondary.
My first suggestion is get a new lawyer. Find the meanest, ugliest shark you can because the one you have is gettin’ their butt kicked. I would look for a lawyer that got angry WITH me about the injustice of the matter. Until I found that I would keep shopping. Pay the fees, because it is going to be worth it in the long run.
Second, find out what the child support garnishment laws are in your State. In California for example, child support is only allowed to take 50% of net income, which will get 10% of it back into your pocket.
Another thing to do is make sure that your husband’s withholding is correct to claim the children that he is allowed to claim, via court documents. A lot of people forget about this, but a child tax credit is $1000 per child, which could help throughout the year. If his W4 is adjusted to reflect that then he will have more money in his checks. YOU DON’T WANT A TAX REFUND! Child support will just take it from you if you get a tax refund because of the 10% that isn’t being collected.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t pay the full 60% of child support due, but I do see that your family CAN’T pay that amount. It’s too much. If you had the money I would say do what your obligation is.
Hubs should be allowed to claim the tax deductions for the kids. I’m not sure I have any advice for coping, because as some have already pointed out, it does continue on past age 18 (my stepson flunked out of college and is living less than paycheck to paycheck with mom paying most of his bills, but managing to guilt dad into an average of $400 a month.) Someday it will be over, but there has to be something legally he can do. You need a better lawyer…
I’m a single mom, my kids are with me 100% of the time and after going back to court, I’ve just recently begun receiveing child support again. My ex has never been required to pay for any extra curricular activities. Yes, they are good for the kids, but it’s my choice to allow them to participate. I would love help with tutors, dance, sports, etc., but I’m not going to get it and frankly, have never heard of this. (Probably since the laws vary from state to state.) I do want to say thank you. I know this is difficult for you guys and I think what you’re paying is excessive, but I appreciate so much that your husband IS paying. Too often, that’s not the case.
Wow! My heart goes out to you and your situation! I can relate from both sides of the fence – I receive CS for my oldest son and my husband pays out CS for his oldest daughter. Fortunately, we’ve not had to experience what you are going through. My original court order is from Texas (which is very strict on CS) and I’ve received the same amount each month for the past 10 years – even though my ex has changed jobs and pay grades – because I chose not to press the issue because ultimately as the primary parent it is my responsibility to provide the majority of the support for my son. The child support is to help supplement some of the expenses – but not ALL of them. There is no asking his father for funds for extracurricular activities – I choose to put my son in those activities and I make it work with the budget I have with my income and the monthly CS I receive. The only “additional” money that I receive from his father is 50% of all his medical expenses – which is pretty standard. Both sets of parents have families to support and it’s not fair to anyone involved to make the other live paycheck-to-paycheck.
Is it part of the court order that he has to pay CS and ALSO send extra money for extra-curricular activities? It sounds as though that is double paying… The child support is just that – support for the child and up to the parent receiving the funds to determine where it needs to be spent.
I would definitely take the advice of others and check into the laws of the state that the order is for and see what the percentages are and what the funds are supposed to go to. Also, ask for a modification. I have seen instances where the income of both parents was taken into consideration in extreme hardship.
Best of luck to you all!
This hits too close to home. My husband had 2 children when I married him and my life was at the whim of his ex until they went to college. My income was included in the determination of child support, so I think this issue is dependent on the state you live in. I’m in California. Courts use a chart in determining child support. Unfortunately there is nothing you can really do. Maybe you should get pregnant and when the baby is born have your husband quit his job to become a stay at home dad! No income. . . I’d get advice from an attorney.
Although my husband and I have survived all this mess and are in a great place, I would advise anyone considering a relationship with someone who has kids to run the other way. It ruins more marriages than make it. Sad but true.
Good luck.
I have never thought that child support extends beyond 18 years of age. It seems unfair to the divorced-parents to have to support the child after they turn 18, while still-married parents get to make decisions like that for themselves. I’m not saying parents shouldn’t take care of their kids after they turn 18 IF THEY WANT TO. That’s their adult decision. But why, oh why, do we punish divorced parents with this crap! And why do we detain kids from growing up and keeping them bundled after they turn 18.
Good luck to the OP, I hope those step-kids of yours get themselves on their own two feet when they leave for college (and that they DO leave for college). I have no personal advice to give but getting a second opinion with a tougher lawyer sounds like a good option recommended above.
As a single mother of two young children, I am in shock that that much is being paid out per month. I don’t get a penny from my ex. :( It gets really tough at times. Being a single mom is extremely tough. Personally, you knew what you were walking into. Just because the children don’t live with you and your husband, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be paying to help support. However, I do think their mom should cut back on the activities, as I do NOT think a child should be in that many things at a time. I wish that my ex would even send me $100 a month!
I’m both a lawyer and a stepmom, although I don’t practice in family law. (My husband does.) In NV, for two kids, it would be about 25% of the income. 60% seems excessive for two kids with the same mother. (It would still be under 40% if they had different mothers.) Changed circumstances are typically things like a drastic drop in grades, a major life event, etc. Not taking up piano lessons.
If she has primary custody, however, she is due child support. Plain and simple. If he can’t afford the payments or if they are not in line with what your state statutes outline for the percentages per child, your husband needs to have a long discussion with his lawyer. If he isn’t represented, he needs to be. Plain and simple. He should not have to work a second job to pay his support payments. So it seems that there is more going on here. (It may be a marital settlement agreement with some type of alimony or he is paying her for a division of their assets.)
As for how to avoid this, get a lawyer at the divorce. The best that you can find. Don’t try to do it yourself when kids are involved and you may have to pay support. You will often end up in a situation like this. And, please, do not see a paralegal service that is practicing law without a license. Even worse. Then, you think you are getting decent advice and you aren’t. (I read this comment on another blog – you wouldn’t let some random person on the street take out your appendix, right? That’s how you need to treat the law. Go see someone with a license.)
J.O. Why not have the court put a maximum amount allowed for extraordinary expenses so that the amount does not ever get beyond 1,200? Have you guys considered filing for custody, so she would have to pay child support to him. If you love the kids, and the husband wants to provide for them, why not share them equally? Maybe it is your husband’s turn to raise the children in his household and the mother should get a break and pay child support. Just a thought.
Something I keep seeing cropping up is the change of custody thing – it’s really really DIFFICULT to change custody – and w/o knowing the entire situation, it’s hard to say if it’d be warranted. Yeah, it’d solve the money problem… but it’s not that easy.
(Though, who knows – the argument of providing a stable home without moving so frequently could actually be an argument in the OPs favor if they did opt to go that route. I dunno.)
I like the idea of seeing about getting a cap on extra curriculars though. Though I’m a stepmom, I have two kids of my own and the number of extra activities they can do is limited – I don’t need to FILL every minute of their day – and I think one activity at a time is a reasonable amount for a child’s schedule (and my wallet).
(And I feel bad for the custodial parents that are getting by without any help from the child’s other parent… Both parents should support the children, absolutely – and I give you much credit, those of you going it alone without any help, financially or otherwise from the noncustodial parent)
WOW! I got a totally different tone from the question than what is being talked about in the comments! I thought she was happy with his kids and totally WILLING to pay the child support but worried about how to budget and afford his retirement! LOL!
Think that you should meet with a financial planner and stick to a very strict budget so that you can make the most of what little you have left over each month.
Also do either of your employers have a matching program for retirement contributions? And it might be worth looking into seeing if he contributes more automatically from his paycheck if the courts would consider that as ‘income’ or not? It might reduce the amount he has to report to the courts because it’s going into a penalty to remove type of account?
Just my thoughts! :)
Kristi, we are willing to pay the child support and that WAS my question. I may not think some of the stipulations are fair but I don’t make those calls, the State does.
So, my question was more “how to cope and budget” not “how to lower CS” Thank you for noticing! ;)
I wonder, from the point of view of the second wife, it looks like unconstitutional desapropriation of her income. What does she have to do with these kids?
Of course, it seems they should have been intelligent enough to never marry. I highly doubt that there was a legal way to take money away from an unmarried person to pay for child support of an unrelated unknown party.
The entire child support industry is a single ripoff for men. Read the discussion here
http://www.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/gkxt4/married_couple_coping_with_husband_having_to_pay/
J.O.
I can’t answer for everyone but I know for me, the intent is not reducing the actual C.S. but the “extras” for non necessities. Medical/Dental, sure those are necessary but most things outside of that are not and there should be a cap on what would be considered reasonable.
Any medical/dental bills split 50/50 would come after the service is provided and the insurance has paid… not a $600 cushion each month
J.O.,
My heart goes out to you in this situation. It is TOUGH to be a step-mom…I always say it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And like you, I’ve created a good relationship with the mother, which has helped tremendously. I commend you on that…NOT easy to do! You have a good attitude and outlook, and that’s what is going to get you through all this.
I work in the family court system, and I would say that a majority of these dads that I see on a day-to-day basis that pay these high amounts of support live with their parents AND have two jobs! It’s unbelievable the sacrifices they go through to support their children. Then, of course, I also see the ones that go to jail because they refuse to pay their support! So I’m sure it’s going to be a constant struggle for you and your husband to afford this obligation for quite a few more years.
My advice is just to hang in there….it sounds like you know what’s important and what priorities are in you and your husband’s lives, and I think that’s going to be what gets you through this. From what I’ve seen in court, most parents in your husband’s situation do have to wait until CS payments are concluded before really starting to plan for the financial future they hope for.
And I know you’re not looking for advice on the actual CS issue, but I do honestly believe that the “extra” expenses are able to be litigated if your husband so desires; therefore, that could save you some in the meantime. I really think that that part of his CS order is very unfair. :(
Good luck to you!!
@Yana: Of course parents SHOULD support their children. But plenty of them would not if it weren’t for child support laws. A close relative’s ex often did not send the money, forcing her to go after him legally. Maybe he thought he’d moved far enough away that they couldn’t find him. Guess what: He had to pay. If not for the law, he would have gotten away with skipping out on his responsibilities.
The payments are not “punishment” — they are the non-custodial parent’s share of bringing up the kids s/he helped make.
As for “the custodial parent is the one actually supporting the children”? — plenty of divorced parents could not make ends meet if not for the support checks. Those who don’t get any kind of help often end up in some pretty desperate straits.
If I were in this situtation as new-wife, here’s what I would do:
* Create a budget that uses only wife’s income. Ignore husband’s income, if there is any left, use that for savings, retirement, etc.
* If husband has the opportunity to contribute pre-tax money to a retirement account, then totally do that. I would shoot for 20% to help cover his missing income. (This should also lower his child support payments a bit.)
* Try to find fun things to do that don’t cost much money. It’s amazing the things that kids enjoy.
Since you are already in a difficult financial situation, it will be hard to pretend his income just doesn’t exist. But, if you two can work together and create a budget and decide what things are really important in your life together, then it will get easier. If you really got a handle on things, it could maybe even work out much better by omitting his income. Maybe you could downsize your house/apartment, find a cheaper area nearby, give couponing a try, lower your quality of life (such as nice cars, fancy clothes, dining and entertainment etc.). I do have to say that all those $$$ activities the kids are doing are just nuts. I can understand daycare, but more than one activity at a time is kind of just seems like a waste.
Everybody’s circumstances are always different, but hopefully you two can find a way to get ahead. Good luck. :-)
@Donna – I understand many people may agree with the way you look at it, but my take is that nobody is “forced” to go after an absent parent – unless there is public assistance involved. It’s a choice, normally.
“If not for the law, he would have gotten away with skipping out on his responsibilities.”
That makes me sad. Children ought to be a blessing and a joy, with parents who love them and support them because they want to. Not a burden. My personal attitude is that if you don’t want the man, you don’t seek his money. When I divorced the father of my child years ago, I wanted to waive child support rights. My attorney said I couldn’t do that, but I never pursued child support – and I was as poor as could be and still be able to provide a home for us. Desperate straits don’t justify what child support laws put children and victim parents through. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’d like it better if they just called it “alimony”, because then it wouldn’t make weapons out of children.
Personally, I receive child support from a dead beat dad. I don’t care how much or how little he makes, the price of what he has emotionally done to his child can never be re-paid.
I think he makes in the neighborhood of 35K, and my daughter gets $525/month. While that may seem like a fair sum of money to some, it’s really diddly squat compared to what it takes to raise her. And in 2 1/2 years when he’s “off the hook”, I’m still on it. There will be cars, college, books, first houses, weddings, grandchildren… He will wash his hands of all of this once she turns 18. I will reap all the rewards of raising a strong, beautiful, care, young woman.
I could care less about his money, it means nothing to me or her. If she had it her way she would rather have a relationship with her father rather then a savings account.
Pardon my french… he’s a douche bag.
J.O.
My recommendation would be for you and your husband to create a budget that takes into account only your salary to live on. Take the $1000 a month left over from his salary and put $500 a month into a ROTH IRA for each of you until you hit the maximum for each acct ($5000). Then take the last $2000 a year that you will have left over and either plan a vacation for you and his kids, or a nice Christmas, or whatever.
But make your salary the salary that pays for the necessities. Housing, food, car, etc. His salary should fund joint retirement, and also any joint splurges. Start couponing (if you don’t already) to reduce your food/toiletries expenses. Try to use Groupon (or other sites like that) to get cheap membership to the zoo, or museum to take the kids when they come visiting.
Yes, you may be living in a tiny apartment and not have a lot of spending money – but you know what? A lot of 26 year olds live like that. It isn’t shocking that you would need to too. You chose to marry someone with previous obligations, and you need to be creative in how you can do that and also make the commitment to start saving for retirement.
Good luck!
@YANA- Saying that child support is a weapon using the children against the other parent- WOW, that is all I have to say. It costs a lot of money to raise children. And when the non-custodial parent just up and leaves, moving out of state and hasn’t paid anything toward the children, that is on them. I would never consider it a punishment against that parent when child support catches up with them. It isn’t like the other parent got up on themself to help make the children. Intsead of communicating to work it out, they just walk out and leave without even a warning sometimes (my experience at least). It isn’t a PUNISHMENT. The parent should help provide for their children.
Sarah stop being resentfull calling someone names dosen’t help anyone.
525$ for one child and you are complaining? I get 350$ for two if or when SHE pays.
J.O.
There is usually a limit that can be taken based on state laws I would verify with his lawyer and the state.
Actually Goose if you had read how much he pays and done some quick math at 2K a month that is over 400K which pays for both children completely based on your numbers.
Raising children on a standard income can be done. I do it. I am a single father with two children. I get 350$ a month and save 20% of my income despite the fact half my money goes to daycare and mortgage. People want everything when in truth they need little.
J.O. I do not know how much you make, but if possible I would recommend the earlier comment of you being the bread winner and your husband the saver. Save ALL his money if possible. I know someone who lives in a 2 bedroom house on 16$ an hour. It is all about managing expectations.
If you have any debt pay it off
Evaluate your needs versus wants. There are so many wants we don’t really need. We do not need big vacations nor giant Christimases. Be frugal and explore your own area or state.
Most importantly if you really want a child with your husband DO NOT let the other woman dictate your family. Check with the state also most judges take into consideration other children in determine child support. He has to pay for them as well.
Love each other unconditionally and support each other through all things. Your happiness is in your hands.
Sassy
Some people do use child support as a weapon. They want all they can get as much as they can get. It is not about what is best for the children. They spend the money on clothes, phones, trips and the like. The poor child gets left in the middle between a parent who pays and gets seldom seen and another who cares more about the money for them-self than the child they helped conceive.
@Yana: How nice that you are able to support the kids yourself. But here’s the thing: Not everyone can.
Sometimes the custodial parent’s wages don’t cover the basics. It’s a question of survival — and, in MY personal opinion, what the man (or woman) is supposed to do, i.e., help support the children s/he brought into the world.
@Donna – I had a poverty-level income. I had little financial or practical support. Anyone who could not provide what I did in the early days ought to seek public assistance or give custody to someone who can. I made the most of what I had. When my child’s dad took her for a visit, he paid whatever expenses were incurred. That is what I call child support. You support your child who is in your custody, whether temporarily or permanently. You are (should be!) the master of your own life and your income, and hopefully you act responsibly. Paying one’s ex is not supporting a child, but it absolutely can interfere with being able to support your own child when you have that child in your care. Why is it that “deadbeat dads” are so irresponsible – criminal, even – but the moms are exceedingly loving, caring and responsible by pointing the finger and trying to extract money for whatever purpose they wish to use it? It can go the same for a female absent parent, but that isn’t usually the case. Someone before commented that a woman should RUN from a man with kids by another woman, and that pretty much reflects our child-unfriendly society and child support laws. And incidentally, just one more reason that abortion must remain legal. I’m also one who prefers that the law and government stay out of people’s personal lives, and people should be responsible for their own actions and choices. Who married the jerks? Above all, if a woman (because only women can bear children) doesn’t want to have, raise or support a child, she should not have one.
@Yana: Again, not everyone is responsible. Some custodial parents never see the ex again (like my relative) and thus cannot get even the small amount of “support” that comes from the non-custodial parent taking the child for a visit.
“Who married the jerks?” Surely you’re not serious. Have you never known anyone who married a person who later showed his/her true colors?
Incidentally, not every custodial parent uses the money for herself/himself. Plenty of them are using it on the child’s medical expenses, food, clothing, etc.
The point I was trying to make in asking “Who married the jerks?” is personal responsibility. I’m a believer in that. Someone who makes a mistake involving a spouse showing true colors later is still responsible for his own choice. It’s a gamble, for sure. When I took a big leap of faith with my current husband early in the relationship, well, it was a leap of faith. But it was my leap and my choice, completely. It was a winning gamble, but I would still be responsible for my choice if it hadn’t been. Life’s a gamble! I just hate the idea of somebody’s life being ruined because they made a baby, because the law is involved in child support issues. I think most of the time, the children and accused parent suffer the most. I would never have wanted my child to think she was such a burden, and all about money. She wasn’t. And I wouldn’t have wanted her to have an attitude toward her dad that he was the guy we got money from, and that is what he was good for. He was the dad she loved, and who loved her. To each his own, but that’s the way I wanted it. And incidentally, I was also responsible for marrying that guy, having our child and wanting to raise her solely, without joint custody or anything like that. I like the responsibility I choose to take, because it means I am free and I have authority. I would afford that to anyone – but as you say, some people are not responsible and shun responsibility. It’s true. I don’t understand it, really. When somebody says, “The devil made me do it”, I think they are negating their own personhood. If they are not choosing who they are and what they do, they cannot have any authority, even over themselves. Not talking about the original subject, just rambling ;)
J.O,
Sorry for your situation, I never got child support from my dad and my mom had to do it all by her lonesome. When I did live with my dad due emergency reasons she kicked me out real quick so your tolerance, love and dedication to me is admirable seeing how some “step-xxx” do not have a lick of those above mentioned qualities. In regards to savings it really is all about budgets and sticking to them, downsizing and accomadating on behalf of both of you (which truly sucks considering that none of what’s going on is your fault) I’m not sure if I read about investing?, maybe buy little stocks to make some extra cents a year or if you’ve saved a good amount maybe a cd? If anything to make the dollar and situation work for you. Please remember that you should save for you even if he can’t right now and I’m sorry about that, make sure you save for retirement, save for yourself and in a non-related $ issue, if you want to have kids in the future (you did say you didn’t have them due to the situation) was this something you spoke to him about? Doesn’t sound fair) umm ok, every dollar counts, every invested penny is more money be it big or small, and hang in there girl, your doing good morally and budget wise it seems. Sorry for the ramble…
Most states have a max %, but it is undeniably his responsibility to support his kids.
However, I absolutely disagree that he should be paying more based on the activities of the children. If the mother wants them in expensive activities, she should be footing the bill with her own income and what she is already receiving in child support….. that’s what it’s for.
I have not read every post, but I need some immediate gratification by posting.
If there is a good relationship between the parents then, I would think that there would be communication about extracurricular activities to ensure what each parent can afford. Especially when you are expecting them to take part in the expenses. Not every child needs to be in every activity.
I would never think to go back to court to get these costs. Heck, I don’t even go after the out of pocket expenses for medical (the Judge never even gave us a breakdown for these expenses) or dance classes. I can’t be bothered because #1 – I don’t like him; #2 I don’t feel like have to discuss everything that I want to enrol her in with him. I pay for it on my own if I can afford it because I can’t always ensure that he will have a job nor do I want to feel like I depend on someone to “make it.”
Plus, every time I go back my Judge does the opposite. He practically kisses him on the mouth because he was Army Reserve in Iraq, lowers his child support obligation, and gives him a pat on the behind and sends us out the door (with me looking at my lawyer bill thinking “WTF?”). When I finally got my Judge to add in my childcare expenses of $1K per month (at the time), and I got my support LOWERED again (this time by $13; $220 the first time) because he lowered Dad’s earning potential. I gave up at that point because no matter what I am the “stable” earner and he gets to flitter.
I am not bitter, nope, not me! Not bitter at all. =o)
Haha, appreciate you sharing your story with us though! Hope things get better! :)
I can understand that the kids need to be taken vare of…. However, why is it that the mother can keep taking the father back to court for more money even though she has about $130,000 in assets and cash, while the father has about $2,000 in assests??? And how is it fair that the father should have to pay for the childs insurance when he makes 3 times less that what she does???
Personally I feel that most women/men just feel the need to screw over their ex/parent of the child just because they know they can or because they want to!! I think it is a discrace and someone should put a stop to it! If the parent with sole custody is better off and has way more money than the parent paying support, then they need to reduce their c.s. payments and not require them to pay all of the insurance. It just makes more since. If anything, give the kids to the parent with less money and have the other pay them money!!
Also, I was wondering how often can you taken someone to court to re-do child support?? I think every 3 to 6 months is crazy!! At least thats how often we go!
My husband has a 35 years old daughter and he still pay childsupport and they put a lien on my home did not let us know.Now they want 33,000 and raied his payments. I was told I had to divoice him to get my home back.
WOW. I don’t even know what to say to that. I hope things get better!!
@Prenup- Its easy to say that but Ive noticed that they always count te non costodial parents spouces income, however they never count the coustiodal parents spouces income. I don’t think that is in anyway right!! If your gonna count one then you should count the other as well when determining cs. Child support and their guidelines are retarded and need to be reevaluated!!!!
@m.white- Why is your husband still paying c.s. on a 35 year old??? And, they only put leins on your house if your not paying like you should.
My daughters father will have to keep paying child support until she is 28 years old (if he continues on the current payback). That is because he is only paying $100 per month to the arrears. I can also put a lien on his apt to ensure that I am paid the arrears before he takes any profit.
If I were a man…I wouldn’t touch a woman with a TEN FOOT POLE!!! Don’t do it guys…most women are vindictive and don’t want their kid NEARLY as much as they want your money!!!!! I hear blow up dolls are getting more ralistic!! Women suck…they’re vampires who do wait in the cover of night to pounce on you as soon as it looks like your not suffering…and woe unto you if you get remarried!!!
Child support is nothing more than legalized extortion from men. It doesn’t take near the amount of money the corrupt court systems contrive, then rule awarded, to raise a kid. It makes me sick to think of all the money guys get screwed out of just for having a kid every year. To make matters worse many times the women just plays a victim card and sits on her ass and does as little as possible while sucking off of the man as much as she possibly can for as long as she possibly can. Now that’s repulsive.
Men are better off having one or two and getting a vasectomy in confidence. There will be no more so called “obligations” and it’s a nice way to nail the worthless all too often incredulous, cheater should she get knocked up again. Most women are not trust worthy to the full extent so plan on forking it over if you happen to be stupid enough to get semi or permanently involved and not take responsibility for contraception yourself. Sometimes they’ll lie about that just to get knocked up, use caution.
Your situation calls for action! Use every evasive procedure you can. Have him get the lowest paying job he is qualified for and hold it for the duration of the extortion (Child support). Let them base it off of that if at all possible. Take some under the table work immediately. Construction, insurance sales, car detailing, waiting tables, delivering pizza (TIPS) and any other cash projects that don’t include a W2 or W9 form. Take this money and or checks and cash them at a bank and don’t deposit the funds. Never deposit the funds anywhere and keep them at home in a coffee can or safe area. Working under the table is the best bet for keeping her leeching to a minimum. Rentals are good as well, just have someone else claim the money or get paid in cash. Farms (baling hay, picking fruit, milking cows), farmers markets (sell livestock, produce and crafts), ebay anything untraceable. Keep it off the books and out of accounts until your hardship sentence is over.
There are other ways to minimize the damage that a support order can inflict to one financially.
Be as proactive as you can before getting an order established if possible. If you really want to avoid it from becoming a order disappear for several years before they can serve you. Most States will not place an order if they can’t get a DNA test. Move constantly (every 4-6 mos) for a decade or better with no utilities and/or mailing address. It’s not as hard as you think and you’ll get to travel and make friends all over. Just live off a minimum and save all the money you can. If you are cornered and can’t run move to a location with the best laws for YOU. Be sure you don’t wind up somewhere that lets her suck you for money while they go to college too! Be sure to live in a State where the age of majority is 18. Make sure the State doesn’t credit for daycare or anything other than base support. Run several calculators and see where the thresholds are for income and look for hidden deductions in the State’s formula manuals. You have to know the law to beat it if you can.
Hide and protect assets immediately if facing a support case/order. If you have real-estate market it before arrears are ordered (especially if they are imminent, it takes time for a lien to go through you have about 2 months time to liquidate it before they can snatch it). Sell it via auction if you have to, to move it fast; you may lose 25-35% but that’s nothing compared to all or most of it if the leech get’s it. Don’t deposit the money, keep it somewhere safe and say you lost it gambling if you get cornered on it. You can buy later ;for now, just be happy with renting or working for rent at an apartment complex as a caretaker etc, or with family or friends. Anything to save money and keep real valuable things out of your name. Some States will not let them seize your primary residence under a certain value. It’s worth spending $100 or calling legal aid to grill an attorney about laws and loop holes to find them and exploit them. College roomies are fun and usually cheap. Look around campuses if you can stand the crowd; otherwise go rural.
Once you get hit with support you can do little to avoid getting leeched. You can minimize the losses however.
Side jobs (greenhouses, farms, construction, handyman, computer service etc), pay pal, ebay, on line money making, rentals, self employment is great use an llc and an attorney to minimize the leeching.
Constantly be a little late or behind to make it look like you have a hard tiem making the current order. If you always make it on time and they get the money they will inevitably want more and more. You have to almost go to jail a few times to avoid getting it raised. they want to make you suffer and make you pay. They don’t’ want you to have it easy or be able to meet your obligation.
Consider going to another nation that will not deport you legally before getting behind. You can start over. Consider stripping, selling drugs or doing whatever you need to do to get more cash. You could off her but that won’t do much good if you get caught and of course “I’m joking.
I’ll continue this later.
You’re a little harsh there, OtsegoMI, but if you read my previous comments, you know I agree with you in principle. I like your instruction to say you lost it gambling – it is good for them to think you are a loser! Sadly, though, what all this brings to mind is that without even dropping our pants, we are subject to getting more screwed by the medical system in America, and your advice ought to be considered and expanded upon for self-defense in that area.
I think child support is the biggest joke there is. The laws need to change in a major way. First, if you were married or not, I think custody should be split 50/50 unless the parents live in different states or the kid(s) is at the age to decide which parent they want to live with. And with that there should be no support. Things should be split straight down the middle unless the man..or woman shows they cannot handle their responsibilities. See I believe the man or woman will show their colors when the rubber meets the road. Once that happens then the courts can take corrective action.
For someone that did not live with her daughter’s Dad, I am not down with 50-50. Not every child can handle that type of inconsistency.
Child support is not JUST for supporting their daily needs, it also covers their portion of housing, electricity, water, gas, etc.
If one parent earns $25K and the other makes $125K, splitting 50-50 is ridiculous.
If you are hit with a support order there are a few other things you may consider to stop being screwed by the system.
One is to change your identity and move on either in the US or elsewhere. Sometimes this is a viable option if you have no family or friends you want to keep in touch with. A fake ID and SS number is easier to come by than you think and is worth its weight in gold to avoid debts and charges of all kinds. If your prints are in the system you have to commit to a life of non-illegal activity because if the fat cat finds out you’ll be facing additional charges.
Another option if you want the kid(s) is to take them from her legally by proving her unfit. Remember she didn’t mind screwing you so perhaps you can return the favor. Imagine what would happen if she got pulled over because someone anonymously called the police and told them the driver of such and such vehicle had a gun and was pointing it at you or some kids and took off down the road. When they search the vehicle and find a large sum of narcotics or some other illegal items under the seat that won’t look too good in family court now will it? Of course it’s even better if her prints are on the bag (trash is everywhere right). Remember to stay anonymous and even better use a voice changer and a payphone with no cameras or a disguise walking in. This may require some work but it’s fool proof. Most people forget to lock things at night and are creatures of habit after all.
Bottom line is the system is nasty sometimes guys are victims of unfair laws and have to be proactive.
A few more words on moving on with a new ID. For US people this will require some connections (think Mexicans, and other foreigner communities). Be sure to drop everything and everyone, liquidate everything and you’ll have to start over completely never to return to your previous life, accounts, home, or anything else. Protective custody if you will.
For an Ex Pat trying to escape the system in a foreign land is a good option if you have some skills. Sometimes obtaining documents is easier in these places too. Again, no connections of any kind to your previous life. Pick up a skip trace book and read it a few times to get the drift of what this involves. This is for the person that is serious about getting away.
Remember if you have back support due you can’t get a passport and won’t be able to leave the country. However, remember too that once your paid up you can go freely. You’ll just need to stay gone if that’s your plan and have a good plan and some travelers checks and cash to keep yourself that a way.
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There are other problems with the system as well. They will try to get you to pay medical, dental, psychological and any other services they deem “needed”.
You can avoid these “obligations” by simply not having the coverage available. If you don’t have it through work or are self employed or its too expensive your order will likely be increased be a few percentage points but this fact can save you tons of money in the long run from a sleezy ex that just wants to rack up bills for you. Make them carry the coverage by claiming its too expensive for you and don’t carry it on dependents at work. Simply elect not to take it and buy your coverage somewhere else that they don’t’ know about. Remember the less they know about you the better.
Avoid facebook, myspace and linkd so you don’t have your face, location and/or resume floating around for people to find you.
While there is some ways to completely avoid support orders many times they require intense effort on your part, may be slightly illegal, and may not be for everyone. The best bet is to be proactive and avoid the situation in the first place. If you can run and not be served paperwork do it! You need to stay ahead of them and never let them catch you. Once the kid(s) are older you can slow down and enjoy life again. Otherwise, plan on paying if you have an order in place, or it’s pending the best thing you can do is minimize the bleeding or change your identity.
Remember Mexican’s cross the border everyday by the hoards. It’s not that hard to go the other way if you need to, even without a passport. Think of the giant border to the North as well. Canada is full of hiding places and under the table work. Staying in the US is a good option too but most don’t have what it takes to get the ID and the discipline to completely leave everything behind…I mean completely.
Personally, I don’t want the kid(s) so I don’t want to get custody but for those that do you can do it with some clever “innovation.” Otherwise, you may well be screwed. Taking temporary jobs is also a nice excuse in court for why your income changes and may allow you more freedom and flexibility.
I don’t have much more to say about this but I feel for every poor guy that gets screwed by the most unfair system there is.
UPDATE:
The last modification of child support was found to be invalid. Long story short, there was some corruption in system. (Judge was ex-wife’s second cousin!! She spoke to him off the record!) Also, her state did not have jurisdiction of the case and did not have the right to modify the decree. This was great news because her legal costs are free in her state. She works for her best friend, the only attorney in that town.
Husband appealed the case and the modifications were reversed. He filed for a modification in the correct state. Child support ended up being reduced by nearly 30% from the modified amount and increased about 15% from the orginal decree. All is fair and REASONABLE. Also, he was given credit for the over payment and ex-wife had to pay a portion of the legal fees.
As far as running from CS, I don’t think that’s a lifestyle he’d want to live. Providing money to be sure the kids are being cared for is the least he can do considering the distance between him. The kids may not understand that he’s helping out now… but they will as they grow to be adults.
I’m a little confused about the jurisdiction, no matter where the decree was origionally placed, the rules apply where the child resides. My husband & ex-wife were divorced in one state, their son grew up in another state, but they moved during his high school years to a third state. That move was great for us bc it meant one less year of paying child support. It’s money now that we can give directly to him to help with college.
Kids understand more than they let on… they definately figure things out, just as their son did that his mother cheated and left and married the other man.
Distance stinks, we did it stationed overseas… all he can do is be the best dad he can be regardless of the miles. Cards, letters and calls go along way.
Regardless, so glad you got a modification.. I hope you can breathe a little easier now and you can make your decision regarding possible future children without this stress hanging over you. My husband and I have two…I wouldn’t change them for the world, no matter how lean in the finance department it was for a few years for us, we never regret the decision to have children anyways.
Best of luck to you.
Andrea, thank you for the kind words.
The law is very interesting regarding jurisdiction. The Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act was enacted in 2007 and basically states that as long as one parent remains in the state that the original decree was filed – that state retains jurisdiction. If my husband and I also move out of this state, jurisdiction is transferred to the home state of the kids but ONLY after the original state agrees to give up jurisdiction. This stops custodial parents from moving from state to state trying to get a better arrangement. It also prevents multiple custody/CS documents from being filed in multiple states.
Perhaps this law wasn’t in place during your situation?
Either way, it’s been a saving grace for us and I love to hear from someone who’s been there and done that and survived!!
Most definately wasn’t in place. It’s great to read that there was something enacted that benefits the noncustodial parent. Thank goodness it was there to help your situation.
my story is similar to many written here. The difference is my husband’s ex wife is an eye doctor with her own practice. She hired her boyfriend to work there, also an eye doctor. We suspect she is hiding her income by paying her boyfriend more money in salary. She is now wanting my husband to pay for college and according to her two years of health insurance she claims we didnt pay.
my husband has been paying child support and providing health insurance to his daughters since they divorced. We have gone through unemployement for almost a year (both of us at the same time) and nw we are trying to catch up in paying off all our debt incurred due to unemployement. We have no money saved for retirement and my son’s future.
As is wife, I am angrey and bitter at his ex wife because she could afford to pay for their college. She has brain wash their children to the point that there is no relationship between father and daughters for many years. In the state of nj it is required that we pay for child support until they are 23 – 24 years old.
I don’t think it is fair that we have to go through this since we try to do thinks right for a very long time. The truth is the ex wife is a money hungry woman and can’t see her ex husband live his life. And she has a house that is worth over a million dollars!
I’m so glad things are going better!! And that you all are discussing back and forth here – that’s great :) Love seeing people helping each other!
A second job is STUPID!!!! all that will do is INCREASE the time away from your family and INCREASE your income so they take more – they only way to beat it is to get a job off the books. It doesnt matter what she gets wind of, b/c she has to be able to PROVE it in court… and as there is no paper record of it, thats pretty hard to do. It doesnt matter what you know its what you can prove. I am all for supporting the child but these women are greedy and selfish – and they use their children as their meal ticket. If you have a job making $12/hr and you are driving a $50,000 car there is something wrong with that – child support is not meant to be a JOB. They system is flawed and these women need to be taught a lesson.
Such generalizations! These women who? For as many women that get tons of money there are a lot more that don’t get enough or anything at all. I, for one, am the bread winner in my scenario. He pays support and I certainly don’t eat filet mignon. His money is a bonus since it is certainly not to be relied upon to come in a timely manner. Let’s not generalize about all women and lesson teaching. Nothing gets my feathers more ruffled.
Every situation is different! I thing when you decide to have children you have to know that they come with a lifetime comitment. Most of the CS laws are fair. Some people just choose not to take the time to understand them. I have 4 children 60 percent of the time and my ex has them 40 percent. He makes more money than I make and he pays 600 dollars a month. He was only paying 389 for a long time…… He had time and money to rent a nice little place for him and the kids and didnt. Instead spent all his extra cash on travaling and living a “single man” life style which to me is “STUPID” He lived with his mom, and had the kids cramped into a bedroom, while I bought a house and made a home for my children. He then decided to take on a swing shift job; He was never there for the kids and never provided a space for the children. NOW that to me is selfish. After 8 months of asking nicely to please make changes to his situation, I gott tired of waiting for this moron to make a change for the best interest of the kids and filled for more custody of the kids, I was greanted the 60 percent and now his paying 615. The Dude is having a heart attack about it, and Im like WTF, you had time to get yuor shit together and you decided not to. So now move th F out of my way so I can provide for theese kids. One man alone with out re-marying should be able to provide for him self with a very small amount of money. The courts dont believe that you will be stupid enough to marry or have more kids thats why they make the laws they way that they do!
Boy, I thought we had it rough having to pay out $48,000 over a full 18 years on one kid. We had a good attorney and refused to pay the “extraordinary expenses.” She was only allowed to ask for a modification every three years and only got it once because of our wheeling and dealing with the good attorney and a judge that was a family friend.
Of course we didn’t make a lot of money, but no way I would ever marry another man who was paying child support, especially if my income was considered.
I forgot to mention we live in Texas. We were not made to pay insurance either. Child support is so unfair. It is to pay for the mother’s lifestyle more than the kids.
I don’t even want to think how much we would’ve had to pay out if we had to pay for insurance, extra expenses, daycare, dental, co-pays, and didn’t have a good team on our side.
$48,000 over 18 years comes out to be about $222 a month. Take away about $7,000 that my husband’s parents paid for us because they thought it was so unfair, then the amount we actually paid was $41,000.
For the ex wived who side with 60%….. Go ahead, keep typing why he left yo ass in the furst place because his best intrest is a non factor in your opinon. You dont seem to mind that someone you claimed to love wont be able to move on and be a great father if he is still grumoy behind your decisions!! If you decided you wanted to move on should you pay him? Should you be forced to pay whatever the court says because he is bitter about the fact you two arent right for each other? File separate taxes, sign a prenup that omit u from financial responsibility. If you think he wont be there mentally and physical, u r justified, if u know he alway been there and do it to hurt the new wife you are super foul and pathetic. Go get ur own man, cant handle your bills? Let them live with Dad and u pay support then! Oh you dont wanna trade huh! Somebody should go file joint custody and joint child support for 6 months swapping the kids since its gotta be organized and impersonal
I am a divorced mom of 4 beautiful children. I could say so much here but do not know where to begin… (ex is in breach of contract)… The one thing I will say right now, is that in the state that we were divorced, it states that CS be paid until the child is of age 21..and/or, the age of 22 years old (if still attending college.) I am going to post again soon. After reading all of this, I feel horrible. Children are innocent, and every action and descision made should be in the best interest of our children.
Child Support is just a flawed system that was built on good intentions. In Texas, if you had a 60k a year job while you were married, and then lose said job after divorcing, then you’d still be required to pay the same percentage amount as if you had the 60k a year job. It takes 3 years of not having the same income to get the child support modified. I look at it this way, if you had lost the job while you were married then the whole family (including the children) would take a hit, so what’s the difference when you’re divorced. Child Support should not be given to custodial parents as “free money”, because that’s exactly what it is. It should be distributed as “food stamps”, school meal tickets, clothing. Texas now gives custodial parents debit cards to spend the money more easily and they can be spent anywhere on anything that the custodial parent wants. Try requiring the custodial parents to report their child care expenses and the crap that child support is used for would cause several killings. Just off the top of my head, child support should be broken down into percentages for needs (i.e. 40% food for child, 40% clothing, 10% hygiene, 10% extra-curricular). I strongly feel the piece of mind non-custodial parents would have from knowing what their child support was going to would help the whole situation. If the ex-spouses were married then each party would be entitled to a decision as to where money went to, right? Why should that change when they divorce? Of course something like this would never happen, it makes too much sense. Thanks for reading.
Apparently we all here are believing that it takes more money for his two kids to live than himself.
That, despite that they have a shared residence and living expenses of their mother.
Something that gets swept under the rug is, IT DOES NOT.
The actual expenses of the two children cannot be possibly 130% of your husband’s income.
I say 130%, because the other parent should be spending half of what it costs to raise the kids. If you pro rate it for that, then it is costing 30% more than your husband makes to raise these kids.
I do not believe it.
What is actually happening here is, it costs a lot less to raise these kids, and the mother is pocketing the rest.
But we are institutionally prevented from knowing this, because there is no right to see where the expenses are going.
This is a hole in the system. A non-custodial parent should never have to pay more than half of the ACTUAL expenses of his children. Anything else imposed upon him is forced socialism.
You are inexperienced with rearing children and can not possibly know what money is involved. You are only 26 in time you will know. I don’t believe that you are “friends” with the ex-wife or you wouldn’t be trying to sabotage her support to raise her children. The mother loves her kids and why shouldn’t they go to all the classes they can go to? The father was not absent in their creation. You are just whining ! Because you can’t have your husbands money go toward you and future children of your own. To see lawyers on this thread say you should take the issue to court is ridiculous. Unbelievable.
Pocketing the rest of the money! really Gary? Ha I raised 3 children with out the help of their father believe you me there is no left over money when raising children. You do it because you are obligated and mature enough to handle it.Obviously. Remember if he left her he will leave you and if he deserted his children and bitches about supporting them monetarily someday you will be understanding all of this. So watch what you say you will eat it. Bon Appetit !
I feel for you. Not all parents are able to put their kids first and some women feel entitled to have their own money and half or more of their ex’s too. I too am a step Mom and I love my step daughter dearly but I have to admit the ongoing shananigans of her mother make it difficult to feel love for the child. Sad but true! I don’t understand anyone that thinks they should be able to sit on their ass and continue to leech from their ex. We have the child exactly 50% of the time and the ex is remarried and chooses to stay home with her “new children” so according to the table in our state her income is 0 which goes against ours. The harder my man works the more he pays even though the costs of raising the child do NOT go up because his income does. Note to men out there single, in a relationship or married protect yourself DO NOT RELY on your partner for birth control protection. You will pay and continue paying for 20plus years! I just have to hope that regardless of the brainwashing like attempts our smart little girl will one day see her mother for the person she is. Way to go all you step moms and dads out there that love and care for the kids caught in these situations THEY ARE whats truly important.
That is so messed up. 60%? Wow! That said we’ve been thru the ringer ourselves. Court, child support increase, custody issues because she won’t let us see the children. My daughter gets really hurt by it because she loves her brothers. This is what I know
1) Your income should NOT count as his EVER. If you bought a business then they could ONLY count his part of the income from it.
2) He doesn’t have to worry about reporting his income. Why? Because they will NOT back charge him. He only owes what he already owes until its changed through court. Once he’s served(most people try to dodge it) and shows up for court. Then he reports his income and only then does he start owing that amount.
3) Overtime shouldn’t count because it’s “unreliable income”. Heard a judge say that exact thing during my husbands child support hearing.
4) He’s paying way too much and he should take her to court to lower it. Goodluck and hang in there!!!
Your task is challenging. And its a never ending battle. There is no doubt that you support your husband and are intent on maintaining the welfare of your step children. But I’m in the same situation as you with my husband. The only difference is that my husband owed back child support due to his business going under but he failed to disclose this important information to me prior to marriage. Nonetheless, I married all of him when I said, “I do”. It is difficult when it seems that you work so hard to meet your own living standards and then the custodial parent decides to go to court to increase the payment. And now you are back where you started. In my situation, my husbands ex chooses not to work (her kids are school age and high school) for whatever reason. I have paid thousands thus far and am sure because of how she chooses not to work, I will pay more as my husband works a side job while he rebuilds his business.
I don’t believe divorce ends parental responsibility. I believe both biological parents are responsible for the welfare of the child. And I’m aware that there are deadbeat fathers and deadbeat mothers out there that need a strong hand. But what about the good men and women who have been diligent in paying but run into financial misfortune, that get dragged through the mud (courts) despite their past good record. Yes, you can go to court and modify your payments but what if those payments are even a struggle? But I would like to know why are these women and men who have full custody of a child allowed to not contribute financially (have a job) to their child’s welfare? Don’t get me wrong, it takes more then money to raise a child but in my husband case, his ex wife fought my husband in court to have custody of the kids, yet, she chooses not to work (she went to college and worked. But decided not to work once she and my husband divorced). If I had my way, we would have custody of the kids and refuse any financial support from her. She could see them whenever she wishes. I know, wishful thinking. Lol.
But I will say that I agree with most. Budget with only your income, don’t consider his. This is what I’ve done since day one. It may exhaust your funds but its comforting in the end to know that there is stable income to pay for your own needs. Whatever extra he may have, should be saved in an IRA or 401k, however little that may be. Fortunately, I have a pension that was established prior to my marriage) and, I was able to save quite a lot prior to marriage (I stopped contributing to this account once we married and it remains a part of my assets only, per my lawyers advice). And I suggest you retain the services of an aggressive family court lawyer who will keep yours and your step children’s best interest in mind. Lastly, if you want to have a child, don’t let this keep you from doing so. The last thing you want is to regret not recognizing your needs and wants. Most likely, having a child might be even more of a blessing then you think.
My husband and I are in the same boat. We have been married for almost teo years. He was not working for about a year. That means yoou have to pay back child support boo! My husband is paying on two kids and one is 16 and he never gets to see because of the wife. It really sucks we still have to pay on him. He said if he does’t the mom will tell him he didn’t want him. It is screwed up all the way around. I hope when he turns 18 and his sister tells him everything that happened he can choose to see his dad if he wants. All we can do I guess is keep paying and its all about karma baby. What goes aroound comes around.
Ok just to throw another story in the mix and see some thoughts on it here we go:
I have 2 kids by 2 different mothers both of which I separated from them for reasons I would feel most people would separate for. I lived in a tri-state area. 2 kids 2 different states. Neither state recognizes the other for child support. I am happily married now with a 3rd child. When ex 2 heard I was getting married she jumped on child support and stopped letting me see my child. The first child the court left it up to her if I could see my child or not. Keep in mind I was involved with my 2nd child. The first I found out about her later on in life. There has never been any abuse or anything reported or anything against me in my life. I’m a normal guy who works hard and wants a family. I work for more than minimum wage which i’m pointing out because i’ll let you know how little I make now later in this post. When ex 2 went for child support she had been to my house a billion times.I have pictures to prove this by the way but for some reason my court date and papers on this whole matter ended up at a random place in my state signed for by a random person.So I missed my court date. I got hit with 10,000 in backed child support from day 1. They did not recognize my other child. I had proof of my other child I had proof of me being with her and paying bills and buying things for the child and being the only income in the house and still pretty much was though she still lived with her parents. I didn’t get to voice any of this so I filed to appeal to tell my side of the story to maybe get this lowered. I was shot down for the appeal. I had no rights to my child to see them and was paying a lot of money. I went back to court finally after filing for 2 years for rights to see my child. It took another year to set any visitation up. By this time my child doesn’t really remember me. My ex even on court appointed visits doesn’t even bring my child anymore (which i drive 3 hours to see my child ) she sends texts stating she won’t be there because she believes its hurting my child to see me. I’m the father. I have scheduled calls and have yet to talk to my daughter 1 time. The lawyer was friends with my ex’s brother which at one time was a lawyer but can no longer practice law. I now with child support bring in less than $500 a month. my rent is $595. I get food from churches and whatever else to feed my wife and child. Child support laws were put into effect in a time when men could support a whole household and housewives were everywhere. Its a new time these laws should be changed. Do I have a problem with paying to take care of my child? no. I do have a problem paying for everything for both kids and myself and my wife and my other child???? yes. Neither parent has a job or is willing. The law states after the kid is in kindergarden the father is attributed 50% of the support the other parent is supposed to get a job and do 50% as well… well again denied for this as well. The judge whos name is actually signed and stamped all over the order said his/her name is not on the order. They will do nothing i’m in limbo… anyone have any ideas of how i’m going to live?
and to add more I lost a house, and several jobs because my paycheck came back 0.00 after 1 state was double dipping also that same state took all of the support so more support for state 2 and never gives them my tax returns. which they are supposed to alternate…I can’t afford to go to a dr and get the medication i need for panic attacks as well so i just live with those as well. just thinking about this destroys my world every single day. The thought that some have it worse than me makes me get up in the mornings.
My husband has been faithfully paying his child support for the past 15 years. Our last payment is June 2012. I have always supported the fact that he had to pay child support. What didn’t seem fair was that the girls were with us from Thursday to Sunday – every week, we paid for many lunches, haircuts (because she wouldn’t) child care, school clothing and much more. We lived in an old run down appartment while she had new vehicles, snowmobiles, camper and a great big house. She hardly gave the girls any money nor did she put any away. We couldn’t put anything away for them because she was getting a big chunk of change. She took us to court many times and got more and more…but it wasn’t for the kids, it was so she could spend more on herself! IN SOME CASES, it should be written in the divorce decree that the mother needs to put some money aside for the kids – provided she can of course! Not all circumstances are like the one I’ve described. My two cents worth!!!
I understand that child support is needed, but regardless if you have children or not you still are responsible to pay rent, utilities bills, car payment (if you choose to have one)..and so on. My husband has 2 children from a previous relationship and we have 3 together. She is now receiving more than half of his take home pay. The only way the courts will deviate from the guidelines is if he is paying child support for our 3 children. What is the difference if he is married supporting the kids or divorced and paying child support? Does this mean we should get a divorce and he pay me child support?? Mean while his ex has had two more children with her boyfriend, she hasn’t had to work for the last 7 years, and receives food stamps…oh and did I mention she drives around in a 2008 Chevy Tahoe with rims and she also has a 2005 chevy Tahoe. Whenever we see the kids their clothes are stained and old and they don’t look well kept, but their mother always has her hair and nails done and wears the lastest fashion. My husband has never missed a child support payment and is now being treated like a dead beat dad. My husband and his ex made an agreement on the amount of child support he would pay while in court, but a month later she went back to court and lied stating that my husband’s failure to comply (which was untrue b/c the support taken out automatically from his paycheck) was willful and now he is paying $2000 a month for child support for 2 kids, which is making it impossible for us to pay the necessary bills. I am hitting so many dead ends and am so frustrated with the system. Why work when you can’t support yourself. We have put in for an objection, but it’s been almost 60 days and haven’t heard anything. We are in the process of filing a petition for modification, but in the mean time we are falling behind in bills. Not sure what else to do.
It all comes around. It is kind of funny, all the damage boys do to females, in the end the female can do as much damage back. If not more. HUGE lesson not to be selfish people. It is easier to live alone with a pet nowadays, it is extreme work to stay in a committed relationship. uuuuuug. I don’t want to get married. or have kids. All these stories are pathetic!