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You Will Read These Money Jokes AND LIKE THEM!

by J. Money on Friday, July 18, 2014

banana dollar doodle

If you’ve been following me on Twitter this week - and you really should be, Sexy Pants – you’ll notice I’ve reverted back to my high school days of telling jokes again.

Some of these gems have included, “Why do the Irish keep their money in banks? (Because it’s Dublin!)” and “Why do accountants make good lovers? (Because they’re great with figures!)”.

Now some of you have enjoyed these guys, while others were heard sighing halfway across the interwebs. So today’s post is dedicated to you, Mr. No Humor Sighers. YOU WILL KEEP READING THESE MONEY JOKES UNTIL YOU LIKE THEM, Damnit! It’s Friday! ;)

Please to enjoy, my favorite finance jokes:

A man being mugged by two thugs was putting up a tremendous fight. The thugs finally subdued him and promptly took his wallet.Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said

“Why did you put up such a fight?’

To which the man replied, “I was afraid you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”

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A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived on scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Bimmer!”

“You yuppies are so materialistic, it’s ridiculous” retorted the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off.”

“Oh, my!” screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. “My Rolex!”

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A kindergarten teacher spent a few minutes each morning teaching a new word to her class. She would tell the class the word and its meaning, then ask them to come up with a few sentences that included the word for the day.

One day, the teacher said that the word for the day was “frugal.” She explained that frugal had to do with saving, and a frugal person is one who saves. She then asked the class to come up with a sentence for the word.

The class seemed kind of stumped, and sat there in silence for a few seconds until one little girl raised her hand. Instead of just a sentence, she came up with a little story:

“There once was a princess who was stuck in a tall tower. There was a spell on all of the doors, so she couldn’t get out. One day, she heard a young prince who was walking by and singing. The princess called out of the tower, ‘Frugal me! Frugal me!’ So, the prince frugaled her and they lived happily ever after.”

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George had responded to a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer’s firm, and was ushered into his office.

“Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer asked.

“Well, if those are my choices, I guess I’ll take the bad news first.”

“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”

“That’s the bad news?” George was stunned.  “If you call that bad, I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”

“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”

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A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days. The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby.

The frightened investor was amazed! “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?”

“Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours.”

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A preacher gets up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:

“I have good news and bad news…”

“The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program!”

“The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets!”

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Once upon a time, there was a wise man. The wise man wanted a horse so that traveling would be easier for him.  He went to a farmer and offered to buy his only horse. The farmer agreed, and the wise man paid $100 in advance and said that he would take the horse the next day.

The next day when he returned, the farmer told him that the horse had died, and that he had already spent the $100 that the wise man had given him. The wise man thought for a second, and then asked if he could take the dead horse which the farmer happily agreed to.

After a few days, the wise man returned to the village. The farmer came up to him and asked what he had done with the dead horse? The wise man said, “I sold the horse for $500!”  The farmer was amazed. He asked, “How is this possible?”

The wise man explained, “I went to a nearby fair. There, I set up a small stand and offered the horse through a lottery. The ticket was only $5. One hundred and two people participated, and in the end, I gave the horse to the winner.”

“Didn’t anyone complain?” the farmer asked. “Yes, the winner complained about this.” “So what did you do?” “I gave him double his money back!”

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Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

“Give me your money,” he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!”

“In that case,” replied the robber, “Give me MY money!”

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A beautiful woman enters a bar and sits next to a lawyer.

“Listen honey,” she says, “For $50, I’ll do absolutely anything you want.”

The lawyer looks around, pulls fifty dollars from his wallet and says, “Paint my house.”

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After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment.

And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.

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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

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An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit:

“Did you notice anything special about the man?” asks the agent.

“Yes,” replied the teller. “He was better dressed each time.”

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A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her.

The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

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And what’s some joke telling w/out a little Chuck Norris?

“If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.”

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“Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.”

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“In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.”

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“When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn’t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.”

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I’ll leave you with one last image… (quite literally)

This joke comes courtesy of MoneyTips.com who recently put out their “Top 30 Most Influential People in Personal finance and Wealth” list on Huffington Post this week…

Perhaps you’ll recognize them? ;)

mr money mustache j money

Long live the greenbacks!

———
[Like my doodle up top? You can see other cool ones here too.]


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{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Kirsten @ Indebted July 18, 2014 at 5:48 am

THIS is why I love your blog. That’s all :-)

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2 J. Money July 18, 2014 at 7:10 am

*Tips hat*

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3 Kylie Ofiu July 18, 2014 at 5:52 am

Love it :) And I especially love the pic at the end. You guys are awesome.

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4 J. Money July 18, 2014 at 7:13 am

Hi friend!! Tell me we’ll be seeing your beautiful face at FINCON this year? Will be nice to catch up! :)

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5 Alicia @ Financial Diffraction July 18, 2014 at 6:22 am

Ooph, that little girls frugal story has some interesting undertones.

I wish I could rock a mohawk… It would huge too (really long hair), but I couldn’t get past undercutting it.

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6 J. Money July 18, 2014 at 7:13 am

I would LOVE to see a picture of that if you ever went for it :) Maybe you could do it up just for a day somehow? Lots and lots of cans of hairspray? haha..

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7 Sandi July 18, 2014 at 6:37 am

Congrats on making the list!! Really enjoy your blog and look forward to reading every day. Keep up the great work!

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8 J. Money July 18, 2014 at 7:14 am

Thanks Sandi! So glad you enjoy it :)

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9 Chris July 18, 2014 at 6:42 am

Funny stuff! I still can’t get enough of the Chuck Norris stuff. Keep ‘em coming.

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10 Brian July 18, 2014 at 7:30 am

I wouldn’t trust those to yahoos with my money*, but I would trust their advice on what to do with my money!

*nobody will care more about my money than me… and possibly my old lady

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11 J. Money July 19, 2014 at 7:09 am

(ain’t that the truth!)

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12 Catina July 18, 2014 at 8:20 am

***Hits the invisible LIKE button!***
Cool pic….and I’d hand over my paycheck and budget spreadsheet any day of the week!

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13 Free To Pursue July 18, 2014 at 8:31 am

Thanks for the morning laugh. Here’s a frugal joke that fits right in with your renewed focus on water consumption:

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE. “

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14 J. Money July 19, 2014 at 7:09 am

HAH! I swear it tastes better though ;)

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15 Brian @ Debt Discipline July 18, 2014 at 8:39 am

My favorite! Spit my coffee out when I read this one!
A beautiful woman enters a bar and sits next to a lawyer.
“Listen honey,” she says, “For $50, I’ll do absolutely anything you want.”
The lawyer looks around, pulls fifty dollars from his wallet and says, “Paint my house.”

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16 J. Money July 19, 2014 at 7:10 am

True business man right there :)

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17 Will July 18, 2014 at 9:11 am

That Bimmer one…!

And congrats on being named one of the 30 most influential people in personal finance!!! I saw that on my Twitter feed. ;)

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18 Kipp July 18, 2014 at 9:13 am

I think that one that was funny was the guy with bad new and terrible news and the bad news being the picture worth a half-million lol.

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19 Daniel July 18, 2014 at 9:17 am

The Irish one, I had always heard as, “Because their capital’s been Dublin for years!”

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20 J. Money July 19, 2014 at 7:11 am

Ahhh… that actually sounds much much better. I must have been searching in all the wrong parts of the internet ;)

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21 Michelle July 18, 2014 at 9:23 am

Haha love these! Especially the princess one.

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22 Ryan @ Impersonal Finance July 18, 2014 at 9:40 am

#8 for sure. And congrats on the making list bossman.

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23 Dominic Castelli July 18, 2014 at 10:40 am

Terrible! Terrible! Terrible! :)

I lol’ed at the 50 dollars to paint the house! That was a classic! :D

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24 Darrell July 18, 2014 at 11:47 am

A friend asked me if they could borrow $20 and I said, “$10? What do you need $5 for?”

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25 J. Money July 19, 2014 at 7:12 am

haha… I’ll have to use that the next time I’m asked for $$ :)

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26 Nicola July 18, 2014 at 12:04 pm

Love these :) your blog is awesome!

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27 J. Money July 19, 2014 at 7:12 am

Thanks Nicola!

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28 Christine @ The Pursuit of Green July 18, 2014 at 12:16 pm

Great start to a Friday! Haha some good cheesy jokes…and then back to the grind! Thanks for the laughs!

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29 Scott July 18, 2014 at 12:18 pm

Congrats on making the list. I guess I should trust you with my money. Where should I send it?;)

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30 Dee @ Color Me Frugal July 18, 2014 at 12:47 pm

My fav is the princess one :-). Congrats on making that awesome list!

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31 Even Steven July 18, 2014 at 1:48 pm

Congrats on the Top 30, and the jokes were pretty good to!

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32 Shannon @ Financially Blonde July 18, 2014 at 2:12 pm

The financial planner one is my favorite of course. :-) And congrats on the Money Tips nod!!! It is a huge and well-deserved honor!

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33 Melanie @ My Alternate Life July 18, 2014 at 2:14 pm

LOL hilarious — some definitely so bad it’s good. Congrats on the listing and I love the photo of you! :)

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34 J. Money July 19, 2014 at 7:12 am

Thanks Melanie :)

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35 Stefanie @ The Broke and Beautiful Life July 19, 2014 at 10:04 am

I like the for $50 I’ll do anything you want- paint my house one :)

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36 J @ the expat investor July 19, 2014 at 2:15 pm

Nice finance joke! Congrats on being the Top 30 Most Influential People.

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37 J. Money July 21, 2014 at 11:48 am

Thanks man :)

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38 Marie @ My Personal Finance Journey July 20, 2014 at 4:50 am

Hahaha, how cute that little princess , ‘Frugal me! Frugal me!’ and,the prince “frugaled her” and they lived happily ever after.” That student has a good point anyway!:)

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39 Dan @ Our Big Fat Wallet July 20, 2014 at 1:57 pm

Ha! Those jokes are hilarious. Especially the one about the lawyer and $50. Congrats on being named to the top 30

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40 Done by Forty July 20, 2014 at 5:12 pm

That one about the half million and the secretary was priceless. Well done.

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41 DivHut July 21, 2014 at 3:50 am

Thanks for sharing some funny and corny jokes with us. What can I say… this post put a smile on my face. Thanks again!

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42 J. Money July 21, 2014 at 11:48 am

We do what we can here at Budgets Are Sexy.

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43 Ray @ Squirrelers July 21, 2014 at 9:38 pm

Awesome…who doesn’t like a good joke (or 10)? Being about money makes it all the better. The pics at the end rock close out the post well too!

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44 Donna Freedman July 26, 2014 at 9:31 pm

Abby made this one up last year for the financial jokes contest. I still can’t believe she didn’t win:
Q. Why is a budget like sunscreen at a nude beach?
A. If you don’t cover the essentials, you’re gonna get burned.

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45 J. Money July 28, 2014 at 11:29 am

Haha… that *is* good. What was the winner that topped everyone?

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