The following is a list of things to consider the next time you decide to order delivery from a local restaurant (some are money related, and some are not — but all are true!):
- We can’t get you your food if you give us the wrong address…
- Porch lights work wonders. If we can’t see your house number we can’t find your house.
- The street address to your apartment building is great, but without an apartment number it’s pretty much null and void.
- You are told a total on the phone (or web) for a reason. Making us stand in the door while you write a check so your friends/children/pets can stare at us only makes us late for someone else’s delivery.
- As much as we love looking at naked customers, please put SOMETHING on before answering the door. It’s not like you don’t know we’re coming…
- Dogs — The only thing between us and your 800 pound dog is a steaming hot pizza. You want to eat, we want to live… LOCK UP YOUR PET!
- Greek Housing — There are 30 or more of you for one address. Giving us the house number and the name John is not going to cut it!
- Greek Housing — Your Greek Letters do not count as an address. We’re not Greek; we don’t know where you are.
- If you don’t want to pick up your food because it’s icy, expect a longer delivery time. Our cars aren’t any more special than yours. Ice = UNSAFE
- We appreciate the thought, but we can’t spend beer, we can’t deposit beer, we can’t pay rent in beer… in short — cash makes for a better tip.
- If it’s so cold outside you need to shut the door while writing the check, what makes you think we want to stand on the porch and wait for it? Come on people!
- No, we don’t have change for your 100 dollar bill. Would you walk around with that much cash in your pocket?
- We’re just drivers. We don’t control the prices. Our managers don’t control the prices. If you want to complain to someone about prices, call that guy on the TV commercial. The one with the fake tan and the BMW.
- We love talking to you, really, but the more time we spend with you the less money we make somewhere else.
- “Keep the change” is a great response if the change is about 1.50 or more. A dollar is below average. Anything less is just an insult. Telling us to keep a quarter is just ridiculous. If you’re not going to tip at least just be quiet and shut the door in our disappointed faces.
- Talking to about how horrible the weather is, and then not tipping, is not only an insult to us, but also makes you look really really dumb. We’re soaking wet and cold and we almost died bringing you your food… we know how bad it is outside.
- If you’re going to complain about gas prices, we are NOT the people to complain to… especially if you aren’t going to tip us.
- We understand that money is money, but have you ever carried $20 dollars worth of quarters in your pocket? Not easy.
- Delivery Charge IS NOT A TIP! We either don’t see the charge at all or it goes directly into mileage expenses.
- To the DORMS — if you can’t tip, then eat in the cafeteria. It’s already paid for.
- If you order food it’s generally expected that you be there until it arrives. Not a hard concept to grasp
- To the after the bars crowd — try passing out AFTER you pay us.
- If your order is wrong, there is a good chance we didn’t take your order/make your order/or have anything to do with your order. Please don’t yell at us or punish us for it.
- We have great memories. Especially when it comes to addresses and names.
- Guess what? Snow covered sidewalks and porches are hard to walk on. Many a delivery driver tailbone has been sacrificed for your food. Remember this.
- Don’t complain about our driving. We’re not all bad drivers. Fast maybe. Do you tip a late order? Just a thought…
- If you short change us, we eat the cost. Don’t complain to us if you don’t have the money. You ordered the food; we’re not paying for it.
- We appreciate your attempt to save our souls, but religious solicitation doesn’t count as a tip. Slip us a few dollars and then we’ll talk church.
- Write the check for the right establishment. Know where you’re ordering from!!
- Placing a flashing/vibrating dildo on top of the pizza box while you get the money while hosting a ‘sex party’ is slightly awkward…
- No we don’t want to “join you”, we don’t want to “earn our tip” and we don’t want to give you our number. We want your money. End of story. Take a cold shower and get a life.
- We appreciate the fact that a lot of college students are poor. Guess what? We’re college students…we’re poor!
- When the door bell rings please answer it in a timely manner. ESPECIALLY if you’ve ordered a couple of things. There’s nothing harder than standing in the cold/rain/wind etc with a few pizzas and a 2 liter.
- Yeah, we sing in the car…get over it and quit gawking at the crazy girl with the sign on her car.
- BE NICE. We’re people. Not dogs. If you had a bad day don’t make us share in it with you.
DON’T MESS WITH PEOPLE THAT MAKE YOUR FOOD!!!! It’s that simple…
Elegantly put by fellow blogger, Brandi ;)
(Photo by Kojach)
Jay loves talking about money, collecting coins, blasting hip-hop, and hanging out with his three beautiful boys. You can check out all of his online projects at jmoney.biz. Thanks for reading the blog!