Money Jokes For All!

by J. Money - Published April 26, 2017

silly banana dollar

“It’s raining farts!”

That’s what my four year old proudly exclaimed as he busted into our bedroom the other morning :) Very typical of him, always trying to break the “no potty talk” rule since you obviously can’t enforce it when you’re laughing right alongside him (!!).

Kids are experts at this. Pushing the limits of fun, and reminding us adults not to be so damn serious all the time. When did we have so many rules, anyways?? When did we get too good for fart jokes???

My plan was to sit down this morning and talk about something probably pretty boring in my kids’ eyes, but this Fart Storm continues to brew and I just can’t get myself to write anything adult-like.

So we’re not.

Instead, I proclaim today National “Financial Joke Day!” Where we take the day off from being so serious about our money and careers, and instead share the gift of laughter.

I’ve spent my hours wisely this morning coming up with a handful of good jokes for y’all, and your mission today is to enjoy them and then match ’em to others in your life who will equally appreciate them. Not only will they love you for breaking up their boring day too (lucky them!), but perhaps it’ll also spark some good money chats?

I want a full report by the end of the day please :)

******

For the lawyers in your life:

On his deathbed, a wealthy man gathered his priest, his accountant, and his lawyer together. He had spent his life amassing a fortune and he couldn’t stand the thought of being parted with it.

He made each of them swear to withdraw 1/3 of his money and sneak it into his coffin at his funeral so that he would be buried with it. He died soon after.

Following the funeral the three men were walking back to their vehicles and begin talking to each other about the deceased man’s odd request.

The priest said “Forgive me, for I have sinned. I withheld 10% of my portion of his fortune from his coffin so that I could help the poor.”

The accountant said “I too have not followed his instructions exactly. I withheld 20% of my portion of his fortune as compensation for my services.”

The lawyer said “Shame on you both! I followed his instructions perfectly: I left a check for my full portion in his coffin.”

For your landlord friends:

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

“Please, ma’am,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent.”

“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” says the woman. “May I ask who you are?”

“I’m their landlord.”

For all the stock brokers out there:

A stock broker was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived on scene, the broker complained bitterly about the damage to his car.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Bimmer!”

“You stock brokers are so materialistic, it’s ridiculous” retorted the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off.”

“Oh, my!” screamed the broker, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. “My Rolex!”

For the politicos!

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

“Give me your money,” he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!”

“In that case,” replied the robber, “Give me MY money!”

For everyone who thinks mighty high of themselves:

A guy was taking a smoke break with one of his non-smoking colleagues.

“How long have you been smoking for?” the colleague asks.

“Thirty years,” says the smoker.

“Thirty years!” marvels the co-worker. “That costs so much money. At a pack a day, you’re spending $1,900 a year. Had you instead invested that money at an 8% return for the last 30 years, you’d have $250,000 in the bank today. That’s enough to buy a Ferrari!”

The smoker looked puzzled.

“Do you smoke?” he asked his co-worker.

“No.”

“So where is your Ferrari?”

For the teachers out there:

A kindergarten teacher spent a few minutes each morning teaching a new word to her class.

One day, the teacher said that the word for the day was “frugal.” She explained that frugal had to do with saving, and a frugal person is one who saves. She then asked the class to come up with a sentence for the word.

The class seemed kind of stumped, and sat there in silence for a few seconds until one little girl raised her hand. Instead of just a sentence, she came up with a little story:

“There once was a princess who was stuck in a tall tower. There was a spell on all of the doors, so she couldn’t get out. One day, she heard a young prince who was walking by and singing. The princess called out of the tower, ‘Frugal me! Frugal me!’ So, the prince frugaled her and they lived happily ever after.”

For your children:

Where does a fish keep his money?
In a River-bank!

For your grown children:

Did you hear about the dry cleaner who’s been accused of money laundering?

He’s ironing out a deal.

And lastly, for all the slackers in your life ;)

make money facebook

RELEASE THEM INTO THE WORLD!!

******
More to choose from here: You Will Read These Money Jokes AND LIKE THEM!

Jay loves talking about money, experimenting, blasting hip-hop, and hanging out with his two beautiful boys. You can check out all of his online projects at jmoney.biz. Thanks for reading the blog!

{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Mustard Seed Money April 26, 2017 at 6:33 am

Hahahaha!!! I needed a good laugh this morning. I am always a sucker for some of the simple stupid jokes.

I share one (non-financial related)

What does a fish say when it hits a wall?

Dam!!!”

Thanks for sharing!!!

Reply

2 J. Money April 26, 2017 at 6:47 am

Ohh my wife is going to love that one!

Reply

3 Brent Esplin June 17, 2017 at 2:27 pm

But did you hear what the wall said to the fish who ran into it? “Dumb bass.”

Reply

4 J. Money June 17, 2017 at 3:09 pm

LOVE. IT.

Reply

5 Ramona April 26, 2017 at 7:10 am

Loved them all. Some are ‘classics’, but there were quite few I never read before.

It’s great to know how to stop being too serious about money, at least from time to time :D

Reply

6 Band of Savers April 26, 2017 at 7:23 am

For times when the market is down (thankfully this doesn’t apply right now, but we all know its coming again someday).

“I lost everything when the market turned but I sleep like a baby every night…

I wake up crying ever hour until my wife consoles me.”

Reply

7 J. Money April 27, 2017 at 7:34 am

Haha, yup – classic :)

(Though of course for us money nerds it’s more like prime time opportunity buying! The thrift stores of stocks!!)

Reply

8 Mike Collins April 26, 2017 at 8:27 am

Great stuff! Thanks for the laughs on a rainy Wednesday morning. I especially like the one about the lawyer leaving a check in the coffin and the last one about getting off facebook.

Reply

9 The Tepid Tamale April 26, 2017 at 8:47 am

I have 5 kids, and you are so right, I was getting boring before they came along! I am amazed at how humorous they can find the word ‘poop’. If you simply say it, everyone starts giggling, including my wife, but that’s another story. Thanks for the jokes, I needed a good laugh today!

To add one to your list: Someone who is shining the best light on their situation:
“I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.”

Reply

10 J. Money April 27, 2017 at 7:35 am

Haha – I like that one!

Reply

11 Fritz @ TheRetirementManifesto April 26, 2017 at 9:45 am

Thanks for making us smile today, J$ Here’s mine:

A Client asks his advisor, “Is all of my money really gone?”
The advisor responds, “Of course not, it’s just with somebody else!”.

Reply

12 J. Money April 27, 2017 at 7:35 am

How true that is :)

Reply

13 Brian April 26, 2017 at 10:07 am

I think the landlord one was my favorite.

I farted in my wallet.
Now I have gas money.

Reply

14 J. Money April 27, 2017 at 7:36 am

Okay – now THAT one I am going to steal.

Reply

15 Mr Crazy Kicks April 26, 2017 at 10:16 am

Your son has discovered some comedy gold. Fart jokes have been around as long as man, and they never get old :)

Reply

16 Ms. Montana April 26, 2017 at 10:49 am

My kids love potty jokes. I can’t stop it. Mr. Mt is no help at all in this one area. Actually he might be the instigator. His family is Australian. I blame that. =)

Reply

17 High Income Parents April 26, 2017 at 11:22 am

Ha! We are laughing so hard at the princess that needs a good frugaling. Thanks for lightening the day.

Tom @ HIP

Reply

18 J. Money April 27, 2017 at 7:37 am

And people say being frugal isn’t fun ;)

Reply

19 Joe April 26, 2017 at 11:37 am

Thanks for cheering me up. My kid loves potty jokes too. The new rule is you can only say poop in the restroom. Seems to work pretty well so far.
The landlord one is great.

Reply

20 J. Money April 27, 2017 at 7:42 am

You must have magic powers because we say the same thing and it just goes right out our kids’ ears! We’ve resorted to taking away snacks and TV time now, and even then the power of the poop laughs still overcome them ;)

Reply

21 Mrs. Picky Pincher April 26, 2017 at 12:18 pm

OMG I laughed the loudest at the joke for kids. I have a Dad Joke sense of humor and I love those. Thanks for the giggles. :)

Reply

22 gfaseed April 26, 2017 at 12:24 pm

Great jokes. Always good to laugh! :)

Reply

23 Mrs. BITA April 26, 2017 at 1:21 pm

Toddler BITA’s cousin (the same age as her) was visiting us recently. They spent the better part of one evening in the garden running to where the dog had pooped, pointing at the poop, yelling “poop” and then running like giggling maniacs all over the garden. Rinse and repeat.

Reply

24 J. Money April 27, 2017 at 7:42 am

Haha sounds about right… And you can’t tell them to stop because it’s literally a fact!!

Reply

25 Mike B. April 26, 2017 at 4:01 pm

Hardy har har lol. Thanks for brightening up the mood J$; def can’t be serious all the time, no fun in that.

How do you make Holy water?
Boil the hell outta it!

Reply

26 J. Money April 27, 2017 at 7:43 am

That’s awesome :)

Reply

27 LadyFIRE April 26, 2017 at 8:37 pm

Oh dear.. those puns were truly awful. Most excellent! :D

I don’t normally blow my own horn like this, but I recently posted some of my favourite money quotes from pop-culture. Completely unedited I swear… like this gem ““My name is Inigo Montoya, you budget poorly, prepare to die!”” – have a chuckle if you’d like: http://firebythirtyfive.blogspot.com.au/2017/04/money-quotes-you-missed-in-pop-culture.html

Reply

28 J. Money April 27, 2017 at 9:41 am

Haha.. looking forward to clicking that link :)

Reply

29 Eliza April 26, 2017 at 10:47 pm

Thanks J Money! Nothing like a good laugh. And I loved reading all the comments as well.

Reply

30 Dads Dollars Debts April 27, 2017 at 12:02 am

Fart jokes are great. I released a long one before bedtime tonight. My 2 year old looks up and said “daddy farts”. It was quite cute and he had a huge smile on his face.

The Facebook joke is quite brilliant.

Reply

31 J. Money April 27, 2017 at 9:41 am

I bet your kids love you :)

Reply

32 [email protected] April 27, 2017 at 5:04 am

Ha ha, I love a good money joke! Being the mother of three boys, you can imagine the types of jokes that are found funny in my house.

My favorite “boy moment” was when we visited Washington DC and rode on the subway. The stop called “Foggy Bottom” made my older boys hysterical with laughter. All because it had the word “bottom” in it.

Reply

33 J. Money April 27, 2017 at 9:45 am

Ooooh I’ll have to take my boys along that path – we’re only a few miles away… Would be the highlight of their day too :)

Reply

34 JJNL April 27, 2017 at 6:28 am

Hahaha, thanks for brightening my day! Just in case you didn’t already know this existed, here is something your four year old will love: https://www.amazon.com/Story-Little-Mole-Search-Whodunit/dp/081094457X. TBH, I think the English title is kinda lame – in Dutch this story is literally called The Little Mole Who Wants To Know Who Pooped On His Head. Kids love it :).

Reply

35 J. Money April 27, 2017 at 9:46 am

WOAHHH!!! It will be their next birthday present! Haha…. Good one.

Reply

36 Primal Prosperity April 27, 2017 at 9:12 am

haha! The Facebook is my favorite for real life. I liked the stock broker and the politico also. :)

Reply

37 Stockbeard April 27, 2017 at 3:29 pm

Haha, I loved the facebook one and the one about the smoker and the Ferrari (will teach me to not be too judgemental), but my favorite has to be the “frugal me” one :)

Reply

38 Kate App April 29, 2017 at 9:45 am

Speaking of farts, I am always entertained by big sign posts on roads in Germany wishing me a “Gute (good) Fahrt”!
Fahrt is German for a ride, trip, or path.

Also, as a child, I never understood why people need to work for money:
Me: Mom, I don’t want to go to the kindergarten. Why don’t you stay at home today?
Mom: I have to go to work.
Me: Why do you have to go to work every day?!
Mom: To make money.
Me: (absolutely puzzled) Can’t you just get the money from the bank?!

Reply

39 J. Money May 1, 2017 at 11:07 am

Haha…. love all of this :)

Reply

40 Master Duke April 29, 2017 at 5:05 pm

LOL THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS! This post definitely just made Saturday way better – my favorite one is the “where is your ferrari”

Laughter is part of being wealthy, thanks for helping us be more wealthy today.

Reply

41 J. Money May 1, 2017 at 11:07 am

Yeah it is :)

Reply

42 Mrs. COD April 29, 2017 at 6:33 pm

So fun! I love these! Thanks for brightening my day

Reply

43 aaron May 4, 2017 at 10:45 am

A genie came to me and asked, “What’s your first wish?”

I answered, “I wish I was rich!”

Then the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich?”

Reply

44 J. Money May 15, 2017 at 10:26 am

YES YES YES!!!

Totally had to tweet that one :)

Reply

45 Mrs. Farmhouse Finance May 5, 2017 at 7:01 am

These are great! BTW I deleted Facebook, and couldn’t be happier :)

Reply

46 J. Money May 15, 2017 at 10:26 am

So beautiful, isn’t it? :)

Reply

Cancel reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: