Some money jokes for impressing people 😂

by J. Money - Published March 22, 2019

lol bank texts

Been a lot of serious finance talk on the blog this week, so thought we’d liven it up a bit today and pass along some classic jokes :)

Starting with a few non-money ones that my wife recently dug up in her emails from a decade ago when I was trying to woo her over, haha….

AND IT WORKED!!

So bookmark these bad boys for when you need to impress, too!

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Four fonts walk into a bar…

The bartender says “Get out! We don’t want your type in here!”

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A guy went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, and then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor replied, “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”

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A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?” The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Got any grapes?” Again, the bartender tells him, “No – the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, “Listen, duck! This is a bar! We don’t serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!” The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, “Got any nails?” Confused, the bartender says no. “Great!” says the duck. “Got any grapes?”

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And now for the money jokes :)

How does an accountant stay out of debt?

He learns to act his wage.

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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?

Depreciation.

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Did you hear about the dry cleaner who’s been accused of money laundering?

He’s ironing out a deal.

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I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

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A preacher gets up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:

“I have good news and bad news…”

“The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program!”

“The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets!”

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A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

“Please, ma’am,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent.”

“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” says the woman. “May I ask who you are?”

“I’m their landlord.”

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A man being mugged by two thugs was putting up a tremendous fight. The thugs finally subdued him and promptly took his wallet.

Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said, “Why did you put up such a fight?”

To which the man replied, “I was afraid you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”

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A genie came to me and asked, “What’s your first wish?”

I answered, “I wish I was rich!”

The genie then says, “What’s your second wish, Rich?”

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A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days. The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby.

The frightened investor was amazed! “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?”

“Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours.”

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An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit:

“Did you notice anything special about the man?” asks the agent.

“Yes,” replied the teller. “He was better dressed each time.”

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Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

“Give me your money,” he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!”

“In that case,” replied the robber, “Give me MY money!”

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On his deathbed, a wealthy man gathered his priest, his accountant, and his lawyer together. He had spent his life amassing a fortune and he couldn’t stand the thought of being parted with it.

He made each of them swear to withdraw 1/3 of his money and sneak it into his coffin at his funeral so that he would be buried with it. He died soon after.

Following the funeral the three men were walking back to their vehicles and began talking to each other about the deceased man’s odd request.

The priest said “Forgive me, for I have sinned. I withheld 10% of my portion of his fortune from his coffin so that I could help the poor.”

The accountant said “I too have not followed his instructions exactly. I withheld 20% of my portion of his fortune as compensation for my services.”

The lawyer said “Shame on you both! I followed his instructions perfectly: I left a check for my full portion in his coffin.”

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And finally, because no jokes list would be complete without some Chuck Norris action:

“If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.”

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Happy Weekend :)

chuck norris van damme

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Christine March 22, 2019 at 9:02 am

HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I especially liked this one:
“A genie came to me and asked, “What’s your first wish?”

I answered, “I wish I was rich!”

The genie then says, “What’s your second wish, Rich?””

Because when my great grandfather emigrated from Italy, he eventually took the last name Rich, a play on the name of the town he was from. I’m guessing because spelling our last name is a pain in the ass and no one gets it right anyway (it was changed back!). Well, my grandfather changed the name back, but he was still known in the neighborhood as Phil Rich. So when my dad was a kid, people would say “you’re Phil Rich’s kid” and the way my dad tells it, he was super confused because he thought they were pretty poor.

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2 J. Money March 22, 2019 at 1:16 pm

Haha that is awesome…

There was actually an ad on the radio this morning about a new lottery ticket or something in Maryland and the two guy’s were “Rich” and “Richardson” and kept riffing off the play on words and money the entire time :) I was like heyy!!! Y’all need to read my jokes this morning! Haha…

And btw, you know you now *have to* tell us what your last name is right? :)

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3 Life Outside The Maze March 22, 2019 at 9:40 am

“It’s money… I remember it from when I was single.”
– Billy Crystal

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4 J. Money March 22, 2019 at 1:17 pm

Haha… I remember it before having so many kids! :)

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5 Lily March 22, 2019 at 10:26 am

Wait I…I don’t get this one

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

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6 J. Money March 22, 2019 at 1:21 pm

He likes the idea of trading his kids for a watch :) you know, those things people used to wear on their wrists before iPhones? lol.

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7 Lily March 23, 2019 at 2:57 am

OOOoohh goddamit of course hahaha! Totally before cellphones– I’ve never owned a wrist watch before!

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8 J. Money March 25, 2019 at 1:36 pm

Wowww never??? Feeling old over here!! :)

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9 Kris March 22, 2019 at 5:39 pm

I saw this online a few days ago:
“I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.”
XD

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10 J. Money March 25, 2019 at 1:37 pm

Haha yeah – that’s a classic one..

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11 Sharon March 22, 2019 at 7:35 pm

From the Kathy cartoons in the newspaper:
Kathy goes to see her tax accountant and shows him her Income. He says, “Gee this is Gross.” :)))

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12 J. Money March 25, 2019 at 1:38 pm

Ahhhhhh good one!

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13 Bryan March 24, 2019 at 8:38 pm

Off topic…just wanted to share from CNBC. Awesome!

Washington Redskins quarterback Kirk Cousins made $19.9 million last year. This year, he’ll earn $23.9 million. But you wouldn’t guess his salary based on what he drives: a dented GMC Savana passenger van with more than 100,000 miles on it.

He and his wife bought it from his grandma for $5,000 in 2014.

“It’s better to buy appreciating assets than depreciating,” Cousins told Kevin Clark of The Wall Street Journal in 2016. “No yachts, no sports cars.”

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14 J. Money March 25, 2019 at 1:39 pm

YUP!!! I remember when that article came out – was so proud of him until he left the Redskins!!! ;)

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