[Good morning!!! I want to share a powerful story by a friend of mine, and new(ish) blogger on the scene, Deanna from Recovering Women Wealth, who’s not only found her path towards financial freedom, but freedom from the devil’s work too. A beautiful, and positive!, person putting herself out there in hopes of inspiring others! Thank you Deanna!!! And huge congratulations on it all!!!]
I’m looking at the graph of the pivotal money moments in my life, and it’s clear to me the life-changing events that occurred at each stage.
The story told by my money also tells of my recovery from drug addiction/alcoholism. Since getting sober, it’s not surprising my net worth has gone up.
For this girl, sobriety is sexy.
My First Relationship with Money
I started doing odd jobs like babysitting and working at the family golf course around the age of 12. My relationship with a steady income started at the age of 16 when I began waitressing. Everything I made went right out of the door on clothing, entertainment, and alcohol.
You see I grew up in a two-parent, Christian, middle/upper-class household where all of my material needs were supplied. Any money I earned was just for play.
I did not learn the value of savings, but I did recognize that money correlated to freedom. However, my desire for freedom was short-sighted as I only wanted to get out of the house (and my skin) in the moment.
When Emotional Stability is Lacking, so is Money Sense
My relationship with my Dad was not healthy growing up. He was doing the best he could and I now understand that, but he was a stressed-out salesman with a short fuse. He wanted to (and did) provide for his family, but his career became an obsession. Furthermore, my Dad grew up in a critical environment and these things have a funny way of being passed down. He didn’t have the patience for kids. I learned to get attention by getting into trouble.
My Mom was loving, kind, and nurturing. Regardless I was scarred by some hauntingly, temper-filled, memorable encounters with my Dad. As a result, I grew up believing some very incorrect things about myself.
I found solace in alcohol in my teen years. When I took that first drink, I became everything I thought I wasn’t – funny, pretty, and smart. I found the courage to be the fun-loving extroverted gal that I am. However, that courage was smoke and mirrors.
When a person is exerting all of their energy to cope with chronic stress and extremely low self-worth, money, at best, is an escape mechanism, and, at worst, used for mere survival.
The Start of Debt as a Lifestyle
Interestingly enough, my parents have always been wise stewards with their money. They saved for retirement and their children’s college education, pay cash for cars, and have no debt. Due to my rebellion against them, I learned none of this growing up.
At the age of 18 I bought my first new car with financing and you can see that dip on the graph. I ended up selling that car at the age of 21, moving to Colorado, and getting a small sum of money. For the first time, I was slightly above the line. This hippie used that money to fund a backpacking trip to Europe. #NoRegrets on that.
However, with an unreconciled past and little money sense, I quickly got back into debt and kept drinking/drugging. Getting sober wasn’t even on my radar back then.
Due to my ability to be high functioning, I went undetected as having a problem for many years. I wanted to appear normal so I maintained an outward appearance that prettily covered up the pain and suffering I was experiencing.
I got married at the age of 25. We bought a house, financed two cars, and used credit cards inappropriately. You can see the graph going way below the line in my mid-twenties. My marriage ended at the age of 27 and I was left with a mountain of debt. I filed for bankruptcy but was able to keep the house. Unfortunately, I didn’t really learn any money lessons at this stage.
My drinking/drugging waxed and waned and though I wasn’t focusing on getting sober, I even managed to have some healthy years. I kept paying the minimum payments on my debt and vowed to never go back into bankruptcy.
In my 30’s I made my way to graduate school to become a high school mathematics teacher. While my parents paid for my undergraduate education, I funded graduate school 100% with student loans.
The Beginning of the End
I excelled in graduate school but in the process, a man from my past walked back into my life and I unfortunately got back into drugs. While I graduated with a 4.0 and a promising career in education, I walked away from it to pursue a life that allowed me to use these drugs. It still pains me to write that last sentence.
I became the wine sommelier at a country club where I had worked for many years. In case you are wondering, that’s not really the best job for an alcoholic/drug addict. ;-)
Sure, I kept up the facade but I was basically getting paid to drink. Additionally, I was addicted to crystal meth so, with the combo of uppers and downers, I walked that lethal tight rope until I eventually spiraled down.
My bottom occurred at the age of 36. It’s no surprise that I was also in the biggest amount of debt of my life. I was bankrupt emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially.
It can be a beautiful thing when a person comes to the end of their rope and there is nothing left to grasp at. After some disturbing visions and the stark reality that I was going insane, I finally surrendered, admitted defeat, and asked for help.
I left the destructive relationship, quit drugs, returned to faith, and committed to a life of sobriety.
Getting Sober & Digging to Get Back to Broke
The early years of getting sober were really about reconciling with my past. Reconciliation includes looking at my part in things, making amends, forgiving others, receiving forgiveness, and healing relationships.
However, in remembrance of my vow to not file bankruptcy again, I made some financial changes. I was able to reduce my expenses, stop adding to the debt, and stay afloat financially.
About four years into my sobriety I wanted to gain complete financial peace. I had peace in every other area of my life, but not yet with my money.
A woman from my church helped me to get on a budget. Then I started listening to Dave Ramsey. He would tell me, over the airways, that I didn’t have to have to keep my debt around forever. I could actually get intense and pay it off, and for some reason, I believed him.
In the process, I did lose my house to foreclosure. The neighborhood where I lived was not bouncing back after the crash of the housing market. It was no longer a safe place for a single woman to live. I stuck it out until some major things broke, at which time I moved into a ministry home. All the while I worked with a realtor to short sale my house. In the end, the bank declined my short sale. Feeling defeated and facing foreclosure, I hired an attorney and it ended fairly well.
Once I bounced back from that, I humbled myself and asked my folks if I could move in with them. They were gracious and said yes. At the age of 43, I moved back in with my parents for further reconciliation of our relationship and to focus on paying off the rest of my debt.
All in all, I paid off $46,763 in about 3 & 1/2 years total on a $40k salary. Near the end of my debt pay off my salary jumped and it’s still jumpin’ today!
I shared my testimony on the Dave Ramsey Show on June 4, 2018 which you can see here ;-)
From Addiction to Investing
When I was in debt pay-off mode as I was getting sober, some things shifted in my relationship with money. Firstly, I knew I never again wanted to pay for things of the past. Secondly, I realized I value relationships over spending money. This attitude has carried over into my investing life. If I value something, I’ll spend money on it, but I’ve found that spending time with the people I love doesn’t have to center around spending money.
As I was approaching that bright light of broke, I started listening to the ChooseFI podcast per a recommendation from a colleague. I read J.L. Collins’, A Simple Path to Wealth, and realized I could do this investing thing.
I started out 2018, maxing out all of the tax-advantaged accounts I could get my hands on and haven’t stopped yet. Today, I get to walk alongside women in recovery helping them with the same things I’ve gained freedom from. I’m spreading financial literacy to some of the women who need it most.
The Current Breakdown of My Finances:
- Employer-Sponsored Simple IRA: $33,054.63
- Health Savings Account: $5,233.65
- Roth IRA: $6,089.26
- Traditional IRA: $6,935.92
- M1 Finance: $385.57 (just getting ramped up on post-tax investing)
- Between checking & savings: $18,642.51
- Total net worth: $70,341.54
Closing Thoughts About the Impacts of Getting Sober
I’ve learned that it all goes together. Since getting sober I’ve wanted complete healing and transformation, but I’m learning it’s a lifelong process. Some wounds go deep.
I’m grateful for that time with my parents. I was able to finish paying off my debt and get a fresh launching pad. More importantly, I faced and slayed some childhood demons. As a result, my family bond is stronger. People can change if they are willing and able to be honest with themselves and others.
Finally, I’ve learned that valleys are where the real growth occurs. It’s the hard stuff that has chiseled me into the woman I am today, and I getting sober has made me proud.
Deanna blogs at RecoveringWomenWealth.com and writes specifically to women. If you or a loved one struggles with addiction, please send them her way!