Some $$$ Jokes to Cheer Up Your Wallet!

by J. Money - Published February 12, 2020

monkey toys

Heard some of your wallets might be feeling a bit down lately?

Here are some fun little ditties you might want to pass over to help perk them back up a bit ;)

Helps with mine every time 👍

******

Did you hear about the man who swallowed a coin?

There’s no change yet.

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My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is…

I told him my door is always open.

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What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.75, deer nuts are under a buck.

******

I’ve never understood the concept of the gift certificate…

For the same 50 bucks, my friend could’ve gotten me 50 bucks.

******

I got gas for $1.09 today.

Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.

******

A girl asks her mother “How old are you?”

Her mother replied “Older than most mortgages!”

******

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money…

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches!

******

College is the opposite of kidnapping.

They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back!

******

I remember being in so much debt that I couldn’t afford my electricity bills.

It was a dark time.

******

An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit:

“Did you notice anything special about the man?” asks the agent.

“Yes,” replied the teller. “He was better dressed each time.”

******

A one dollar bill met up with a twenty dollar bill and asked “Hey, where have you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”

The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, headed back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of basketball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?”

The one dollar bill sighed, “You know, same old stuff … church, church, church.”

******

One day at a local café, a woman suddenly called out, “My daughter’s choking! She swallowed a nickel! Please, anyone, help!”

Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up to her and said he was experienced in these situations. He calmly stepped over to the girl, then with no look of concern, wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. Out popped the nickel.

The man returned to his table as if nothing had happened.

“Thank you!” the mother cried. “Tell me, are you a doctor?”

“No,” the man replied. “I work for the IRS.”

******

A teenager lost his contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway, and after a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

“How did you do that?” he asked. “We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

******

Lying on his deathbed, a rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. “I want to take all my money with me,” he tells her. “So promise me you’ll put it in the casket.”

After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside. Her friend looks at her in horror.

“Surely,” she says, “you didn’t put the money in there?” “I did promise him I would,” the widow answers. “So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

******

Lawyer: “Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.”

Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?”

Lawyer: “Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.”

******

A friend and I were eating at one of the trendier restaurants in town when my friend pointed to the menu and told the waitress, “I’ll have the 24.”

“Uh, John,” I whispered, “that’s the price, not the meal number.”

“Oh,” he said. “Then give me the 12.”

******

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot.

He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry,” said the Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

******

i need a hug mug

If those didn’t do the trick…

{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

1 SWFL Financial Coaching February 12, 2020 at 6:53 am

Thanks for the humor. I shared one or two of them.

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2 J. Money February 12, 2020 at 7:05 am

Awesome :) Helps to liven things up sometimes. We get so consumed by this stuff!

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3 Donna Korzun February 12, 2020 at 8:22 am

Thanks for making my morning!

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4 J. Money February 13, 2020 at 1:26 pm

I’m so glad to hear that :)

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5 Millie February 12, 2020 at 9:11 am

Thank you for the perspective and the laughs this morning!

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6 J. Money February 13, 2020 at 1:26 pm

Glad you enjoyed them :)

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7 J February 12, 2020 at 9:32 am

Haha! Those were pretty funny. :-)

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8 J. Money February 13, 2020 at 1:27 pm

:)

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9 Lisa O February 12, 2020 at 9:55 am

That started a good Wednesday!

Will pass a few on at the right moment.

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10 J. Money February 13, 2020 at 1:28 pm

Haha love it..

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11 Debt Free in RVA February 12, 2020 at 10:12 am

Hilarious! thanks for sharing on a Hump Day

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12 J. Money February 13, 2020 at 1:29 pm

I should find some to share on *every* day :)

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13 stephanie t February 12, 2020 at 10:51 am

Gas for $1.09. Hahaha-thanks for kickstarting my day!

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14 J. Money February 13, 2020 at 1:29 pm

That one make me laugh pretty hard when I came across it.. :)

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15 Gene Roberts February 12, 2020 at 11:22 am

I swallowed a quarter when I was a child (true).

But it worked out in the end (also true – also eewwww).

It re-defines the term “pass-through capital”.

I apologize if this comment is considered “cheeky”.

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16 J. Money February 13, 2020 at 1:30 pm

OK wow, haha…

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17 song nhi February 12, 2020 at 12:01 pm

Thanks J for the morning high!

Your website is the ONLY website I look forward to reading daily. It’s fun, laid back and raw and informal, and etc ….:)

Especially on Monday when its hard returning from the weekend.

Thanks for working hard to brighten our day.

Work hard, play hardER :)

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18 J. Money February 13, 2020 at 1:30 pm

heyyyy, thank you for that!!

you totally just made my day! I’m so glad you’re enjoying it! :)

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19 Linda February 12, 2020 at 1:06 pm

Well worth the chuckles and shared with others.
I want the mug too.

Linda

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20 J. Money February 13, 2020 at 1:31 pm

Yeah, I was tempted too but not at $20+! A joke in itself! ;)

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21 Amelia February 12, 2020 at 2:19 pm

I needed that. Thanks! The Taco Bell one might be my fave. And I need that mug too.

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22 J. Money February 13, 2020 at 1:32 pm

:)

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